9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

As Harry was gathering his things to get ready for his first Occlumency lesson in a long time, Ginny stopped him.

"Hold up, you're going to practice with Snape again?" Ginny asked. The annoyance lacing her voice was evident enough for Harry to raise his eyes skyward in frustration.

"You know that I'm working hard," Harry countered, "You know what I'm trying to achieve here. Being an apprentice is no joke and if I want to be able to brew my potion, I need to step up."

"But you're already gone for most of the day," Ginny argued, "Even in the weekends, you're always busy. You rarely even come to Hogsmeade anymore and when you do, you shop in the apothecary for over an hour."

"That's because their assortment isn't always the same," Harry sighed, trying his best to make his girlfriend understand, "So at times, I need to check their inventory again."

"Do you even know how to have fun anymore?" Ginny asked, crossing her arms tightly.

Harry sighed and brushed a stray lock of Ginny's hair out of her face, cupping her cheek tenderly as he did so. "I don't mean to make you feel this way," he said softly, "But I'll make it up to you. Meet me in the common room later, okay? Once I'm back from my Occlumency lesson."

Ginny smiled and placed a hand over the one that still rested on her cheek. "Sounds good to me," she said, "but make sure to be there. I won't be responsible for my actions if you're not."

"I'll be there," Harry said solemnly, "I'll miss you."

"Yeah well don't miss me too much," Ginny said, "Or Snape might see some memories about you and me and I won't have that!" She winked flirtatiously and spun on her heel, her red hair swishing as she went.

Harry just shook his head and quietly made his way down to the dungeons. He could understand that Ginny was unhappy about him spending all this time on his studies but he also felt like she should understand that he was passionate about this.

By the time he arrived at the door of Snape's private quarters, his mind was completely befuddled by the mysteries of the female mind. He shook it off and knocked.

"Come in," Snape called.

When Harry walked in he noticed that Snape had pushed all of the furniture aside, leaving a nice and open area to practice Occlumency in. What he also noticed were a few bottles of a potion he didn't recognise. And since Harry was certain that he would be able to recognise most known potions by now, this did not bode well for him.

"You realize the door is attuned to your magic as well, don't you?" Snape asked as he took one of the vials, "You don't need to knock every time. Especially when I'm already expecting you."

Harry shrugged. "It just seems like the polite thing to do, really."

Snape just motioned for Harry to sit by pointing to a spot on the floor. Harry complied easily.

"As you are well aware, we will be revisiting your Occlumency training," Snape explained. "We left off at a rather difficult stage in your training too."

"My emotions," Harry supplied.

"Quite right," Snape said, sitting down in front of Harry, the vial of unknown potion held loosely between his long fingers.

"The difficulty here is that you appear to have mastered the technical aspects of Occlumency entirely. I am unable to get to the memories you hide away – in fact, I still haven't found your hiding place for them – but once you get emotional about anything, your shields crack, and your memories come as if of their own volition."

"Like with Voldemort," Harry pointed out.

"Exactly so," Snape admitted in a low voice. "It worked out to our advantage that time but that won't work for the potion you have planned."

"I'm still not sure how Occlumency is in any way related to my brewing that potion," Harry noted.

"Sometimes you're as much of a dunderhead as your fellow Gryffindors are," Snape sighed, "It is obviously not necessary for the brewing process but it is essential for when you actually drink the blasted draught."

It was as if a lightbulb was turned on in Harry's head. "I see," he said, "To counteract the combination of the honey mead and the monotropa uniflora."

"Especially if you are indeed planning on adding the basilisk blood," Snape noted, "Which I know you are because you need its magic potency. What I do wonder though is how you are planning on getting it."

"Well, there is a basilisk body simply waiting to be harvested underneath Hogwarts," Harry offered.

Snape sneered and shook his head lightly. "A discussion for another time perhaps. We have strayed far from the point I originally wanted to make. When you get emotional, you can't perform Occlumency."

"Right," Harry admitted begrudgingly, "Is that what the potion is for?"

Snape sighed heavily and ran a hand through his long hair. "We need you to practice Occlumency while under great emotional distress," he explained, "Otherwise, these lessons are entirely useless. I assume you haven't heard about the 'Drink of Despair'?"

Harry shook his head. "No, but it doesn't sound good."

"It's not," Snape agreed, "I was tasked with its creation while still under the Dark Lord's service. What he was planning on using it for, I'll never know since I've never actually seen him feed it to anyone but that's irrelevant"

"Now it definitely doesn't sound good," Harry said, attempting to convey a joking tone but failing miserably.

Snape glared at him pointedly before he went on. "In its undiluted form, this potion induces fear, delirium, severe stomach pain and brings forth the drinker's most intense and painful memories. When diluted – as I have done for this occasion – the effects are all still there but in a much more bearable capacity."

Harry swallowed thickly, "You want me to drink this?"

"If I'm being completely honest with you, Harry, no I don't," Snape said plainly, "If it was up to me, I would stop this foolishness entirely, cancel your occlumency lessons and have you work on a new idea for an entirely new potion that doesn't require you to get reacquainted with some of the most painful memories of your life."

Snape frowned as he put a hand on Harry's shoulder, applying just a bit more force than necessary. "Say the word and we stop this. But if you wish to proceed with brewing your creation, we have no choice in the matter. This is the only way."

The gaze that met Snape's after that held unmistakable courage and determination. Snape knew instantly that there was no getting around this. Harry would always be a Gryffindor. He would not back away from a challenge such as this.

"I'll manage," Harry said, keeping his voice steady. He held out his hand in order to take the potion from Snape. The potions master reluctantly gave it to him.

"Hand me your wand before you drink it," Snape said, "I won't have you attempting to hex me because you suddenly think me to be the Dark Lord."

Harry didn't think that was particularly likely but he handed over his wand anyway.

"Now I want you to clear your mind and raise your shields before you take the potion," Snape said as he tucked Harry's wand away next to his own.

Harry nodded and closed his eyes. He discounted all emotions and hid his most embarrassing and painful memories under the invisibility cloak of his mind, as he'd done before. He nodded when he was done and felt Snape's probe with a nonverbal Legilimens to test him.

"You're ready," Snape said, "Go ahead and drink the potion. Try to focus on keeping your shields up despite your emotions. Don't try to force them back because you won't be able to. Understand?"

"I understand," Harry said and before he could change his mind, he downed the potion in three swallows.

As soon as the potion was gone, Snape took the empty vial from Harry's hand and placed it on his desk. He then sat down in front of Harry, watching him intently.

At first, Harry didn't really feel any different. He stared at Snape who was sitting silently in front of him and kept his shields up. For a moment, he wondered if Snape had done something wrong with the potion. Perhaps he diluted it a bit too much. But then, Harry was overcome with a wave of agony and despair so powerful, he was nearly knocked over by the sheer force of it.

"Concentrate, Harry," Snape reminded him, "This is an exercise not in controlling your emotions but in focusing around them. Keep your shields up!"

Harry was six. He was hiding. He didn't know what happened but when Dudley had pushed him again and again, Harry had gotten so very angry. And almost as if in resonance with his anger, the couch cushions had exploded, terrifying both children present. Harry didn't know what had happened but it wasn't his fault. His aunt and uncle hadn't shared this opinion though.

It didn't take long for Uncle Vernon to reach the state in which he resembled a purple balloon, ready to burst. While aunt Petunia comforted Dudley, uncle Vernon took a few menacing steps towards Harry.

"Focus Harry," came a familiar voice, "Raise your shields. You're not occluding."

Harry blinked and for a moment, he could see Snape sitting in front of him, his demeanour relaxed but his eyes held a worried gaze.

Right. He wasn't six. He was at Hogwarts and he was practising Occlumency. Now that he focused on it, he could feel Snape's presence in his mind. Somehow, he found this to be a reassuring anchor of sorts.

With a flash, the memory resumed right where it left off, the myriad of emotions coupled with a dull throbbing pain in his stomach.

"Freak!" Vernon bellowed as he got closer to Harry. Harry scrambled up the stairs, not sure where he was planning to go.

"You dare!" Vernon roared, "You dare attack Dudley like this! You dare disrespect us in our own home!" Harry kept glancing over his shoulder to see the fat man approaching fast. Without thinking, he slipped into the master bedroom and ducked under the bed.

"Harry, listen to me," a soothing voice said, "This isn't real. This is all in the past. Clear your mind."

Only a moment later, Vernon stormed through the door, his heavy footsteps halting for a moment.

"I've had enough of your freakiness, boy," he growled menacingly, "But I will teach you –" He took a few steps toward the bed and Harry held his breath, his small hands clasped over his mouth to stop any sound from emerging. Fear quickly overtook him.

"Listen to the sound of my voice, Harry," that same soothing voice said, "You are safe now. Your uncle has been dealt with. You need to raise your shields."

"I will teach you not to mess with normal people!"

Faster than Harry had thought Vernon could move, the raging man ducked to the floor and peered under the bed. A malicious smirk split his face in two when his beady eyes locked onto Harry's. Harry screamed through the hands he still had clasped over his mouth, backing up to the far wall to avoid Vernon's grubby hands. But the man got a hold of Harry's pants leg and reflexively, Harry kicked.

As soon as his foot connected with Vernon's arm – however light the attack might have been – Harry knew he was in big trouble. Vernon roared in rage and grabbed at Harry again, this time getting a hold of his shirt collar.

He dragged Harry from under the bed, tears streaming over the young boy's face.

And then the memory was banished. Harry blinked a couple of times as he took in his surroundings. Memories of what he had been doing came crashing back and he groaned at his failure.

But he wasn't in Snape's quarters either. The surrounding area was a blinding white and there were no pieces of furniture or really anything materialistic to break the awful white that enveloped him.

"Are you alright?"

Harry snapped his head back to see Snape standing next to him, a vacant expression on his face. Harry frowned, not knowing what to make of this.

"Severus?" he asked, "What's going on?"

"You were not occluding," Snape explained, "And I didn't want to see the rest of that memory nor did I think you did."

Harry flushed. At least, he thought he did. He wasn't sure of what was possible in his current surroundings.

"So where are we?" Harry asked, "We're not dead are we?"

Snape chuckled, which reassured Harry tremendously.

"Not at all," Snape replied, "Since the potion is still in effect and will be for a while, I needed to isolate your consciousness and put it in some sort of quarantined area so to speak. I've disconnected you from your emotions and passive memories for the time being."

Harry stared incredulously. "You can do that?"

"I am an accomplished Legilimens, Harry," Snape said in a way that almost sounded as if he were insulted, "The mind holds little to no secrets for me. Doing something like this is easy."

Snape waved a hand and conjured a black chair in which he sat down. "Do you want to try again, or do you wish to remain here until the potion wears off?"

"I want to try again," Harry said honestly, "It's just that –"

"Yes?" Snape urged.

"When I'm in a memory, I can't remember what I'm doing. I can't even remember that I'm a wizard."

Harry sighed. "How do I practice Occlumency without even remembering what that is?"

"Eventually, it will become second nature," Snape explained, "You will constantly be raising those shields, regardless of whether or not there is a threat. For now, you would do well to focus on yourself before you are drawn into another memory."

"Focus on myself?"

"Yes," Snape replied, "It would appear that you were surprised by the sudden pull of your memory. Perhaps this is why you've lost sight of who you are. Now that you know what can happen, I need you to picture yourself sitting here. I want you to imagine those shields around your mind and I want you to try and distance yourself from the memories that will attack you."

"But they're so strong," Harry uttered.

Snape smiled and put a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder. "You are stronger," he said easily.

Harry blinked to keep a few tears at bay. After the vivid memory, he just witnessed, remembering just how miserable he had been throughout his young life, the impact of a parent that believed in you wholeheartedly was enormous.

"Let's try again," Harry said confidently.

Snape nodded. "Remember to try and retain yourself," Snape warned, "I will release your mind in three, two, one…"

Harry was eight. He was standing at the edge of a great river while the Dursleys were trying to fix their flat tire. Why uncle Vernon had thought this shortcut was a good idea was beyond anyone but Harry knew better than to say anything.

Harry focused on himself. He knew this was a memory. He knew this wasn't real. He was aware of his own breathing and could vaguely make out the reassuring presence of Snape sitting across from him.

"Wanna play a game, Harry?" Dudley asked innocently. By now Harry knew better. Dudley never had good intentions with Harry.

"Not really," Harry had replied cautiously. "There's nothing to do here anyway."

"We could go for a swim," Dudley countered.

Harry looked at the river that was running rather fast behind him. He frowned and looked at Dudley.

"I think that's a bit dangerous," he said, "The current is strong and I don't really –"

"What?" Dudley asked, smirking all the while, "Don't you know how to swim?"

The presence of Snape in Harry's mind was quite reassuring but at the same time, he realized that the goal of this exercise was to expel Snape completely. But with Snape gone, so would be his anchor. Harry tried his best to shove this memory aside but it was firmly in place. Much more so than during normal Occlumency lessons.

Was it because of the potion or was it because he was much more emotional now? Harry was kind of upset with Snape viewing even more memories of his past. He hadn't even seen half of his horrible past.

"You know I don't," Younger Harry growled at Dudley.

"Well, I do," Dudley said proudly.

Harry huffed indignantly. "Well, we can't all be bloated enough to be our own life raft."

Dudley's demeanour switched from reasonably calm to enraged in a matter of seconds.

"Focus," Snape's voice resounded through Harry's mind. "Recognise your emotions for what they are. They are a part of you but they need not hinder you. Allow them to wash over you and detach yourself from them."

Harry took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, ignoring the feelings of fear and anger that lingered near the surface.

Dudley rushed forward and slammed his shoulder into Harry's chest. Harry was knocked backwards and tried to keep his footing when the ground disappeared from beneath him and his body made contact with cold water.

'I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions,' Harry thought.
"Then don't be," Snape replied calmly, "Dominate them."

Harry felt a sense of cool wash over him as he stepped back and looked at the scene rationally. Fear had been a very logical emotion for a child that fell into a river. Especially one that didn't know how to swim. But Harry wasn't that child anymore and needn't be afraid.

He was angry at Dudley for putting him in that position, and rightly so. But Dudley was still as much of a child as Harry was. It was only right to forgive him for such actions if only to heal himself.

The memory ended and Harry was aware that Snape's presence was gone. He felt a sense of loneliness but also one of accomplishment. He felt someone touch his knee and opened his eyes, very much aware of the pain in his stomach.

"Well done," Snape praised him, "Now keep that focus. The potion won't wear off for another ten minutes or so. Use that time to practice."

Harry focused on his breathing. He even found that focusing on the pain in his stomach helped. He allowed his emotions to run their course but did not fight them. At least, he tried to.

Every now and then, he felt Snape probing his mind with Legilimency but he did not break Harry's walls. It was obvious that Snape was being much too gentle though. If he applied any pressure, Harry knew that his walls would break apart.

"I think it was that muggle 'Nietzsche' that said, 'One ought to hold on to one's heart. For if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too'," Snape suddenly said.

Tired emerald eyes met obsidian and stared at Snape incredulously. "What?"

"I thought it rather fitting." Snape explained, "Makes me wonder if he was perhaps a squib to have such a keen grasp on a very important Occlumency lesson."

"You're distracting me," Harry breathed.

"Am I?" Snape countered, raising a sardonic eyebrow.

"Fine," Harry said, "I understand. It's all a part of it. I'm doing my best here!"

"Care to tell me what you thought of when you pushed me out?" Snape asked, "I'm curious to know what your approach was."

"I thought about my feelings," Harry said through gritted teeth, feeling somewhat stupid. He was vaguely aware of the beads of sweat forming on his forehead. "And I thought of why I had them and tried putting them into context."

"A very clever way of approaching yourself," Snape commended, "In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

Harry groaned as he put a hand on his aching stomach. "Sure," he panted, "Whatever you say."

"Harry, you've made a breakthrough today," Snape said suddenly.

"You're going easy on me," Harry accused.

Snape snorted. "Going easy on you? You are still aware of the potion I fed you, are you not? I might not be trying to invade your mind to the best of my abilities at the moment, but the fact that you are speaking coherently while under the potion's influence is worthy of praise by itself."

"It's diluted," Harry gasped.

"Yes," Snape nodded gravely, "And eventually we can test your skill using the undiluted version –" Snape shuddered at the thought. "- But for now, this is impressive enough."

Snape eyed Harry curiously as the boy was leaning back, panting heavily as he attempted to power through the pain.

"We would never have been able to elevate you to this level of Occlumency at the beginning of our collaboration," Snape said kindly.

"Yes well," Harry said, "I trust you a lot more not to rummage through my mind and sell my memories to the highest bidder."

Snape chuckled. "Witty to the end, aren't you? Just relax and let the potion run its course. It will only be a few minutes more. Afterwards, you can meet up with that redheaded girlfriend of yours."

"How do you know about that?" Harry groaned.

Snape frowned at his charge. "What do you think?"

Harry just groaned. This time more out of embarrassment than out of pain. Sometimes it sucked to have a father that could read minds.

"Actually, could I just stay here tonight?" Harry asked, "I really don't feel that well and I'm not sure I can even make it back to Gryffindor tower on my own."

Snape regarded him carefully. "Hm, I suppose it would be prudent for me to make sure there are no lasting side effects. Very well. You may stay here for the night. Your room is ready for the night."

Harry sighed in relief as he tried to stand on unsteady legs.

"Thanks, Severus."

"Anytime," Snape said easily.

Did you all like Harry's Occlumency lesson? Do let me know what you think. I anxiously await your reactions.