19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Harry found himself on the way to Snape's private quarters once more, passing the sign that spelt out 'Potions classroom' on the way there. Since the signs were all still there but were now all displaying the proper information, Harry couldn't help but wonder if this outcome of Snape's 'prank' had been his true purpose here. He had noticed that Professor Bell was always on time nowadays and could get around much more easily.

This would be their first lesson since that one experience with Legilimency Harry had had before. While Snape had acted completely normal since then, Harry felt a sense of trepidation when he thought of facing Snape in this particular context.

He easily found his Gryffindor courage and entered Snape's chambers, finding the man sitting behind his desk with his feet propped up as he read a thick book.

"Good evening, Harry," Snape greeted casually. He placed a bookmark between the pages and closed the book, putting it back in its rightful place on the shelf.

"Good evening," Harry replied easily. He felt the urge to add 'dad' at the end but still didn't feel entirely comfortable with it. He mentally kicked himself. How many more times would the man need to save his life and/ or almost die before he could finally call him his dad without flushing every time he did it? But he catalogued that thought away for another time and focused on the present.

"You didn't move the furniture out of the way," Harry noted.

"I don't see the point anymore," Snape replied easily, "At the rate, we're going, you're hardly thrashing about nor is either one of us knocked to the ground anymore as you practice. We'll be a lot more comfortable seated in a chair, wouldn't you say?"

"Sure," Harry replied, "But don't blame me if I do end up breaking your favourite bookcase or something."

Snape took out the familiar potion and swished it a bit in front of Harry's face but drew back a bit when Harry made an attempt to grab it. The boy frowned but waited, reading in Snape's expression that something had changed.

"This is the undiluted version of the potion," Snape said importantly.

"Already?" Harry asked, slightly taken aback.

"I feel that the diluted version doesn't exactly present you with a challenge anymore," Snape explained, "Especially since you seemed adamant that you understood the intent behind the shielding process."

Harry gave Snape a half-smile. "You're not doing this to get back at me, are you?"

Snape frowned. "Of course not. I would never do such a thing."

Harry took a deep breath before taking the potion out of Snape's hands. "Okay," he said resolutely, "Let's do this."

"You know the drill," Snape said, "Start by clearing your mind."

It took only a moment for Harry to do so and soon he drank the potion without any more hesitancy. Snape looked at him expectantly, ready to jump in if needed while Harry did his best to focus on occluding his mind.

The first thing he noticed was the sudden unbearable pain in his stomach. An unintended side-effect from the potion. The diluted version had caused some discomfort in the past but it had been nothing quite like this. Harry gasped for air as the stabbing pain distracted him.

"I know it hurts," Snape told Harry. There was clear concern in his voice and Harry noticed that the man reached out with his hand but Harry held up his own to stop him.

"I'll be fine," he forced out, "Just give me a moment."

So far, he had been able to keep his Occlumency shields up but the memory of his darkest day started seeping through. There were shards of hopelessness that seemed to penetrate his mind, sowing the seeds of despair as they touched down. Harry gritted his teeth at the growing sense of discomfort and hopelessness. He noticed that Snape hadn't done anything yet and he pierced the man with an accusatory glare.

"What are you waiting for?" he snarled, "Do it!"

The sooner they could get this test started, the sooner they could get this over with. Snape seemed to doubt for a moment but eventually, he raised his wand and aimed it at Harry.

Harry wasn't even sure if Snape had spoken the word. He was more aware of that subtle tingle of Legilimency touching on his shields than any other impulse around him. The pain made him lash out with his own mind but Snape seemed to be expecting it and slipped past.

Harry hissed when another stabbing pain coursed through his stomach. It was enough to break his concentration and allow the memory to envelop him full force. And suddenly, he was that young boy again, climbing the stairs of that old apartment building. There was nothing he wanted more than to die and today he would fulfil that goal.

"Harry," A voice called out to him, "Remember. That's not you anymore."

Harry stopped climbing those stairs, looking around him. That's right. He was 'Harry' to someone. He was not 'freak' and he was not 'boy'.

Harry took a few more steps. Something was still pulling him upwards. "I don't want this," he said, "I don't want any of this."

"Block it, Harry," the voice urged him, "I know you can do it. You've done it before. I have faith in you."

Everything hurt. Harry was in so much pain. What had caused that again? Vernon hadn't touched his stomach in over a week. A shard of a memory penetrated his mind. That's right. He had drunk that potion. That had caused the pain. He was practising Occlumency with Snape. With his father. He had a father now.

Harry shook his head, dislodging his consciousness from the memory and freed himself somewhat from the potion's effects.

"There you go," Snape said gently.

Harry distanced himself from the feelings of hopelessness and grief as he watched that familiar mist swirl all around him. He remembered what he had felt Snape do when he had been in his memory and tried his best to copy his actions. He willed the mist to solidify and bend as he wished. Time seemed to stop altogether in the memory as the colour faded. And then, Snape's presence was gone entirely.

While that had been his goal, Harry suddenly felt very lost. He missed the invading presence and almost willed it to come back. But he reminded himself of his goal and steeled his resolve. He closed off the memory and banished it to the back of his mind.

He imagined himself sitting in that sterile white room Snape had drawn him into a couple of times and suddenly he was there. Alone this time. He sighed in relief nonetheless. In this place, there were no unresolved emotions. In here no one was dying; there were no abusive Dursleys or evil Dark Lords. Even the physical pain he knew he was still experiencing couldn't reach him here. Somewhere outside, he was vaguely aware of someone trying to break through his shields once more but he found himself not caring anymore.

He imagined himself a crimson couch with large, fluffy pillows and lay down in it, waiting calmly for the potion to wear off.

Snape was decidedly pleased when Harry had been able to push him out of his mind. Even if he had tried to hold on tight, he wouldn't have been able to stay in the boy's head and so he found himself back in the chair behind his desk, looking at Harry. The boy's eyes seemed to look right through him as if he were in a deep meditative state. Even the pain he should be experiencing didn't deter the boy in the slightest.

"Alright," Snape said, "Let's see if you can keep me out this time."

There was no reaction from Harry. A good sign. Snape cast the spell and tried to invade. But where the shields stood on a shaky foundation before, they were now embedded into the walls of what seemed to be a fortress. Its gate was shut and impenetrable. Snape poked and prodded, trying to find a weakness somewhere. But eventually, he had to concede that there was no way for him to get in there again.

He stopped trying and regarded Harry carefully. He had withdrawn into himself. Normally, this would be quite excessive for simply keeping an invading presence out but while the potion was still in his system, this was probably the boy's best defence. Snape just hoped that Harry would be able to detect when it was time to allow himself his normal presence of mind again. For now, he grabbed the book he had been reading before and flipped it open again, refocusing his attention on the deciphering of ancient codes.

Harry had imagined himself a clock but it didn't do him any good. Its hands were spinning rapidly and chaotically. Sometimes they moved forward and other times they went back. They stopped randomly but conveyed no coherent message so Harry just removed it again with a wave of his hand. The books he had conjured for himself were empty. He was only able to fill the pages with information he already knew which was logical but also useless.

How much time had passed by now? Harry knew that it took an hour before the potion would wear off but it was impossible for him to tell time in here. He knew Snape had told him that time seemed to move differently in one's mind and wondered how he would know when to pull back out. The last time, Snape had somehow been aware of exactly when the potion had worn off.

A couple of times already, he had felt the push of a Legilimens, trying to make his way in, but Harry had diligently disallowed all access as was expected of him. No doubt, Snape was testing him. It was only after he felt someone unfamiliar try to make their way in that he gathered something might be wrong. Until then, he hadn't even realized that different people might feel dissimilar when trying to make their way in. It was a startling discovery. Who was doing this?

He felt the push again and decided that it was probably time anyway. He withdrew from his chamber of serenity and allowed his mind to get back in touch with his emotions and memories. He blinked a few times and refocused his attention only to find both Snape and Dumbledore sitting in front of him.

"Harry!" Snape exclaimed. The happiness that oozed from his voice confused Harry profoundly. Dumbledore seemed equally relieved.

"Oops," Harry uttered, "Did I lose track of time?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "I should say so," he said, "You were gone for nearly five hours."

"You're kidding!" Harry said, jumping up. It was only then that he noticed that his legs were asleep so he came crashing back down in his chair. "I wasn't even sure if an hour had passed or not," Harry added.

Snape groaned. "I didn't think you would close yourself off," he said, "Otherwise I would have agreed on a signal with you."

"I'm sorry," Harry said, "I really didn't mean to worry you."

"What made you decide to come out again?" Dumbledore asked kindly.

"When you tried to break my shields, I knew it wasn't' dad's presence," Harry said honestly. He didn't notice the twinkling in Dumbledore's eyes increase in ferocity. "I didn't recognise you so I thought something was wrong."

"Foolish child," Snape said but Harry recognised the fondness in his voice.

"I'm sorry," he said again, "I honestly didn't realize."

"Well, it would appear that you've made some fantastic progress today, my boy," Dumbledore praised proudly, "It would appear to me that you're nearly there."

Snape sighed. "I can't use that potion again though."

"Why not?" Harry asked, "In the end, it wasn't so bad."

Snape chuckled. "No, because you withdrew into yourself. In any case, the toxicity in the undiluted version hasn't left your body yet and won't for a while. Giving you another dose might cause you permanent damage."

"I daresay you won't need it anymore anyway," Dumbledore said. He put a comforting hand on Snape's shoulder and smiled at him. "I suggest you and Harry eat something. You must both be positively famished."

"I'm just very thirsty," Harry suddenly noted.

"Another side effect of the potion," Snape said evenly, already pouring Harry a glass of water. He handed it to his son and turned his attention to Dumbledore. "Thank you for the assistance, Albus. I'll make sure to educate Harry on the use of exclusion."

"I know you will, Severus," Dumbledore said knowingly, "Should you need me, you know where to find me. Good night to you both."

"Good night," Snape replied but Harry was still gulping down the glass of water and soon Dumbledore had disappeared through the floo.

Snape summoned a house-elf and ordered dinner for both of them before directing his attention to Harry.

"You gave me quite the scare, you know," he said.

"It was only for a few hours," Harry replied, "I'm fine."

Snape groaned. "I know you're fine, Harry. I just wasn't sure if you knew how to restore the connection to your mind by yourself and I couldn't get in to show you."

"I hope you're not saying I'm too good at Occlumency now," Harry sighed. Food appeared on Snape's desk and Harry felt his mouth water. He hadn't even noticed that he had become hungry.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Of course not," he said, "You simply need more information. You clearly didn't tether yourself to your mind when you disconnected yourself."

"What?" Harry asked, holding his hand in front of his mouth to keep Snape from seeing the chewed up food inside.

"Charming," Snape sneered. He cut into his own food and waited a bit.

"A tether," he finally said, "binds you to your mind when you retreat as you did. You can use it to check on the mind you're occupying which is usually your own."

"Oh," Harry replied, "And how do I create that tether?"

"You form it the same way you formed those shields, "Snape said easily, "Once you know it's supposed to be there, it's easy to create."

"Can I practice it?" Harry asked.

"Perhaps next time," Snape replied, "It's getting to be very late and I'm exhausted."

Harry grinned. "Can't imagine why."

Snape shot him a devastating glare but Harry smiled cheekily.

"I will admit that you made tremendous progress tonight though," Snape said coldly, dabbing his mouth with a napkin.

"Does that mean what I think it means?" Harry said hopefully.

"Soon," Snape said, "Very soon."

Harry sighed contently, tearing off another piece of bread. "That's great," he said, "I can't wa-" he stifled a yawn, "- wait."

"Finish your food, Harry," Snape said softly, "You need to go to sleep soon. It's still a school night."

Harry chuckled. "Yes," he said tiredly, "Sleep does sound good. Can I stay here tonight?"

Snape rolled his eyes but didn't argue. "Alright," he said, "Just don't make a habit out of it. Your friends would have my hide if you do."

Harry nodded, unsuccessfully trying to pierce a pea with his fork. He felt himself nodding off already and was barely able to stop himself from falling asleep into his plate.

Snape sighed as he watched the unbecoming display. "Go to bed, Harry," he said, "You can eat more at breakfast tomorrow." If the Potions Master was entirely honest with himself, he too felt about ready to collapse. He vanished the plates of food that had barely been touched.

"Okay," Harry murmured, "I'll sleep right here." He put his head on his arms, falling asleep right then and there on the desk.

Snape regarded his exhausted child wistfully and brushed his fringe out of his face, his touch soft and caring. "You'll be the death of me, child," he whispered fondly before tiredly running a hand through his own hair. Steeling himself, he got to his feet and lifted Harry out of the chair by means of a hover charm. With his wand out, he floated Harry over to his bed, drawing back the blankets before lowering Harry onto the mattress. With another wave of his wand, he transfigured Harry's clothes into nightwear.

Snape pulled the blankets up to Harry's chin and watched as he snuggled into his pillow. When asleep, the boy still looked so much younger than he actually was. Snape felt a pang of sorrow knowing how many years in the boy's life he had squandered by being distant and cruel. And so many more years were wasted that he didn't even know the child. If only Lily could have loved him back. In a different world – a better world – Harry could have been his from the start.

With a silent sigh, Snape turned off the light; cast one last glance Harry's way and closed the door ever so softly, leaving the boy to his dreams.

Harry awoke the next morning to the smell of breakfast and wondered for a moment if Ron had snuck food into the tower for him. He suddenly started as he remembered where he was, sitting upright in his bed. He glanced around and shook his head at himself when he realized he was in Snape's chambers again. He didn't even remember getting to bed.

He glanced down and saw that he was wearing black nightwear that was most certainly not his style. Yup. Snape had definitely tucked him in. And yet, he wasn't as mortified by that as he once had been. He stretched his arms, groaning as he did and got out of bed and out of the room.

He found Snape reading the paper while he was drinking a cup of coffee. A small assortment of breakfast foods littered the table but Snape wasn't eating yet.

"We simply have to stop meeting like this," Harry joked. Snape peered from behind his paper and gave Harry an appraising look. When he seemed satisfied he smirked and gestured towards the chair next to him.

"Since you made yourself at home already, why don't you help yourself to some food as well," he said.

"You didn't have to let me stay here, you know," Harry said cheerfully as he cut open a roll.

"What could I do when you practically begged me to?" Snape said evenly, "And then you fell asleep on my desk. You were practically purring like a kitten."

"I was not," Harry objected though not as vehemently as he once would have. "You just didn't want me to leave. In fact, you would probably move me here permanently if you could find a good excuse."

Snape snorted. "And have a messy Gryffindor disturb my peaceful mornings?" he asked sardonically, "Where do I sign up?"

"You call me messy?" Harry asked, "You can't even keep your bookshelves in order."

"What?" Snape asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.

Harry peered at the misbehaving bookshelf. "Honestly, putting 'Moste Potente Potions' in the middle of those Herbology books seems off, doesn't it?"

Snape followed Harry's gaze and muttered in annoyance under his breath as he got up to fix the discrepancy. Harry smiled knowingly, stealing the newspaper to see if anything of import happened.

There were more muggle killings and disappearances happening. Nothing near Hermione's family just yet though.

"Who do you think is doing this?" Harry asked when Snape took his seat again.

"I have my suspicions," Snape said, "But I will not be sharing those with you."

"Why not?" Harry whined childishly.

Snape frowned at him. "Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?"

Harry sneered and took a bite out of his sandwich. "Keeping secrets from me never works, you know," he said cleverly, "I always find out one way or another. And without the proper context, I might do something you might consider to be dangerous."

"You are incorrigible sometimes, do you know that?" Snape asked in mock anger, "How many Death Eaters do you need to defeat before you're satisfied?"

"All but one," Harry replied easily, winking at Snape cheekily.

"If you're not careful, I'll recruit Ms Granger to keep an eye on you," Snape said, "Tell her to let me know whenever you put a toe out of line."

Harry snorted. "Like she would listen."

"Perhaps not entirely," Snape replied casually, "But I have my ways."

"Are you implying you would Legilimise her?" Harry asked easily, "Because I don't believe it for one second."

"When did I stop instilling fear in you?" Snape growled.

"I think Alex had a lot to do with that," Harry smiled fondly.

"Meddling muggle," Snape muttered, "Now finish your breakfast. Classes are almost starting."

Harry responded by rapidly stuffing himself with the scrambled eggs he had piled onto his plate. Snape rolled his eyes and went back to reading his newspaper, scanning the page that reported an increase in muggles admitted to St. Mungo's.

It would seem that even with the Dark Lord gone, dark activity was still happening all around them. With a sigh, he finished his breakfast.