34. Chapter 34

It's nice to see how anticipated this chapter is. I hope it's worth the small wait. For those interested, I suggest listening to River flows in you by Yiruma. There's a longer version on youtube. It's what I listened to while writing this and I think it fits.

Chapter 34

Snape whirled around to come face to face with Lily Evans. Or rather, Lily Potter. Her brilliantly green eyes seemed to shimmer with happiness as she looked at him. Her long red hair framed her face oh so very perfectly and the smile that graced her lips was the most beautiful thing Snape had ever seen.

"Lily," Snape said breathlessly. "Is it really you?"

"In the flesh," Lily said brightly. "Well, on second thought that's not really true is it?"

Lily grinned as Snape stood stammering. "You can laugh now," Lily teased. "That was funny."

"You look exactly the same as you did when I last saw you," Snape said reverently.

"Ah yes," Lily said knowingly. "It's one of the benefits of dying young. You'll look forever beautiful. Not very good for the skin, though."

Snape chuckled wryly. "I can't believe this worked," he said.

"Did you have so little faith in my son, Sev?" Lily asked. "I've been told that he learned from the best."

"I know what he was doing," Snape said. "And I know what he was trying to accomplish but I dared not hope."

Lily regarded him sadly. "Come with me," she said. "Let's go to our usual spot."

"Our usual spot is gone," Snape said. "It was destroyed many years ago."

"You forget the power of our memories," Lily said easily. "I know that I can find it. You just need to follow."

Lily took Snape's hand in his. Her touch was warm. There was no cold sensation accompanying it as Harry had described before. Snape squeezed gently, never wanting to let go again. She led him past the river, ducking under branches and past shrubberies that Snape knew were no longer there. Eventually, Lily let go of Snape's hand to duck and crawl underneath a hedge of particularly thick bushes. Snape followed only to end up in a familiar clearing. One that hadn't been around for many a year but was remembered fondly nonetheless.

It was small but it was theirs. Theirs alone. Not even Petunia had known about this clearing.

"Sit with me," Lily invited as she patted the grass next to her. Snape sat down, noticing the warmth Lily exuded as he sat so very close to her.

"I do believe we have many things to talk about," Lily said. "Which is why we asked Harry to allow you this potion."

"You asked him to?" Snape said.

Lily smiled. "We were around," she said, "as we always are. And we guided him throughout the process."

"That's why the potion appeared sentient," Snape said.

"We merely gave him a small nudge," Lily explained. "And none of the spirits he tried to contact were malicious. We just feel that we know better than the living who needs to talk to us. After all, we see more of what goes on in your minds than you do."

"And you thought I needed to talk to you more than Harry did?" Snape asked incredulously.

"Harry has come a very long way," Lily said fondly. "His life has been coated in darkness for a long time. But since you took him in and saw him for what he really is, light has been the dominant factor in his life. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for you."

"He deserves to be happy," Snape said.

"So do you!" Lily exclaimed. "Even if you don't think that's true."

"You died because of me," Snape said sullenly as he leaned back. "All because of that ridiculous prophecy. And even when I knew the Dark Lord was after you, I couldn't protect you."

"None of us could have known that Peter would betray us," Lily said soothingly. She wrapped an arm around Snape's waist and put her head on his shoulder.

"I should have –"

"Shoulda coulda woulda," Lily chided, "I will not allow you to wallow in self-pity any longer. If I – Lily Evans – don't deem you responsible for the death of Lily Evans, then by Merlin, you are not responsible for the death of Lily Evans!"

Snape chuckled as he relished the weight of Lily's head on his shoulder. He desperately wanted to embrace her but didn't think it appropriate to do so.

"I need to thank you, really," Lily said in a softer tone. "You took in Harry when he needed you most. James and I are very grateful to you for that."

Snape snorted. "Unlikely," he said.

"I swear!" Lily said in indignation. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

Snape groaned painfully.

"Okay," Lily chuckled, "No more death jokes. I'm sorry. But it's true, you know? I know that you and James didn't see eye to eye when you were younger but he grew up. And I know you did, as well."

"Did I?" Snape asked. "I tormented your son for years, simply because James was his father."

Lily let Snape go and shot him an exasperated look. "I know what you're doing, you know," she said smartly. "You're trying to convince me that I should be upset with you so you can keep telling yourself that you deserve all the bad things that happen to you."

"That is absurd," Snape growled, tugging at some grass beneath his closed fist.

"Yes, it is," Lily said knowingly. "So knock it off. You made Harry the happiest he's been since he was left on my sister's doorstep. And sure, you have your faults as does everyone. But I assure you that we have forgiven you."

"Does that include the mutt?" Snape asked sardonically.

Lily laughed. It was a wonderful sound and Snape never wanted to part with it again.

"I'll admit that he was less than happy when he found out that you took Harry in," Lily said in a conspiring tone of voice. "But that had more to do with jealousy than anything else."

Snape raised a sardonic eyebrow. Lily laughed again, picked some blades of grass and dropped them on top of Snape's head. "Okay fine," she conceded. "Sirius still doesn't like you but you can't be everyone's friend."

"I only wanted to be yours," Snape sighed and stared at a beetle scurrying around in front of him. "I never cared about anyone else."

Lily looked at him sadly. "I know," she said. She placed a warm hand on Snape's cheek and forced him to look at her. When obsidian met emerald, Snape's heart nearly stopped. He so desperately wanted to stay here forever. To be with her.

"I miss you," he said. "The feeling never goes away. I dream of your laughter, of your hand in mine. I dream of what I wish could have been."

Lily sighed as she placed a comforting hand on Snape's knee. "It does not become you to remain stuck in the past," she said.

"I just can't stop wondering," Snape said grimly. He placed his hand on top of Lily's and looked at her. Merlin, she looked so real. So alive. She felt so warm and she smelled of that bottle of perfume he once brewed her.

"Wondering what?" Lily asked, smiling knowingly.

"Had I never called you… that and more importantly, had I never joined the death eaters, would we –" he swallowed thickly as he did his best to gather his courage. Lily simply smiled at him reassuringly, clenching his knee just a bit tighter. "Would we have had a chance?"

"Is that really something you would like to know?" Lily asked.

"It is," Snape said. "Not knowing is the worst of it. And I'm not sure if I'll get another chance after this."

Lily regarded him carefully for a moment, then playfully swept her hair back. She used to do that a lot, Snape remembered. "

"I loved you," Lily said simply. Honestly. "And had our cards been dealt differently, I'm sure that I would have ended up with you rather than with James. But in this lifetime, it was not meant to be."

Snape grimaced painfully. "So it was truly all my own fault," he said. "Had I not been so stupid, you would've –"

Lily placed her index finger on Snape's lips to stop him from talking.

"It's impossible to know what might have been," Lily told him. "And speculation of the past is the worst enemy of the future. I need you to move past all of this."

"But how could I ever move past you?" Snape asked desperately. "You are everything to me!"

"My dear, darling Severus," Lily said kindly. "You have moved heaven and earth to do right by me and eventually by Harry. You have done all that you can for me. And now, there is only one more thing I desperately want you to do for me."

"Anything," Snape breathed.

"Do you promise you will do your best to fulfil my request?"

"I swear it," Snape said.

Lily smiled as she pressed her forehead against Snape's. "I want you to let me go, dear friend." She said. "Unpause your life for me."

She wrapped her arms around Snape's neck and embraced him lovingly. "You deserve all good things that are coming to you. And I forbid you from sabotaging yourself any longer. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you," Snape said softly. He hesitantly reciprocated the embrace.

"I'll haunt you if you do," Lily said fondly. "I don't know how that would work, but I'll find out."

Snape chuckled. "I'm sure you would," he said. "You've always been exceptionally clever."

"Clever girls do seem to be your type," Lily said. She drew back and winked at Snape. "So, tell me about this Maya."

"There's nothing to tell," Snape said.

"Come now," Lily teased, "I know she kissed you and I know very well how that made you feel."

"Regardless, she is not you," Snape pointed out.

"No, she's not," Lily agreed, "I am me, and she is her." She sighed and tousled Snape's hair. "It's really not fair to compare the living to the dead you know. The dead don't make mistakes."

"She's just a friend," Snape insisted.

"A fried you like to get a bit drunk with," Lily giggled. "A friend that was all over you last Christmas."

"It appears you and your son share the same confusion about what inebriation does to people," Snape said sardonically.

"Oh come on!" Lily huffed, "It's not like I'm going to tell anyone your secrets. Just admit that you like her already." She stretched out her arms and fell backwards to lay in the damp grass.

Snape joined her and stared up at the clouds. One floated past that looked suspiciously like a Snallygaster. Snape snorted in amusement and rolled his eyes.

A long but comfortable silence stretched between the two of them when Snape spoke again.

"I'll admit," he said slowly, "that I do sense some form of attraction towards her." He felt almost ashamed to admit this to Lily.

Lily snorted before breaking down into giggles. "Some form of attraction?" she asked as she slapped Snape playfully on the shoulder. "Would it really be that much harder to just say that you like her?"

Snape sighed exasperatedly. "Fine," he snarled. "I like her!"

"Yes!" Lily exclaimed victoriously. "Sirius owes me ten galleons!"

Snape turned his head to look at the redhead incredulously. "I don't know what matter to address first," he said. "The fact that you made a bet with the mutt concerning my interests or that you seem to still be using currency."

"We don't," Lily said, "But it's still fun to bet. And we have to do something around here!"

"Yes," Snape agreed. "We wouldn't want you to go out and haunt people."

"What do you like about her?" Lily asked.

"Lil!" Snape exclaimed, "I really don't feel comfortable getting into this right now."

Lily snorted. "For one, she is hot!" she said, counting on her fingers.

Snape stared at her wide-eyed. "That is –"

"What?" Lily interrupted, "Not at all what you're interested in? Please, you're a man. Don't forget that I've seen what's in your mind."

"Who knew that it would take death for you to learn Legilimency," Snape chuckled.

Lily grinned broadly in return. "Was that a joke, Severus Snape?" she asked. "Surely, hell has frozen over. Perhaps I should go check."

Snape couldn't help it. The comment wasn't even all that funny but combined with the close proximity of his oldest friend made him erupt into laughter. It was loud and inelegant and soon Lily joined him, the occasional snort from either one of them interrupting the mad chuckles.

"Thank you, Lily," Snape said when he had calmed down.

"Whatever for?" Lily asked.

"For seeing me one last time," Snape replied. "You were right. I was stuck in the past."

"And now?" Lily asked as she absentmindedly placed a hand on Snape's upper arm.

"Now," Snape said solemnly, "I will do my best to honour your last request."

Lily smiled warmly at him. "I knew I could count on you."

Snape felt the sensation at the back of his mind that told him it was time to go. It was what Harry had warned him about, and he knew better than to deny that urge lest he get stuck here forever.

"It would appear that I have to go," Snape told Lily. He was surprised to find that he was rather okay with it.

"I know," Lily said. "Go on then. And remember your promise." In a most tender moment, she grabbed Snape's hand in hers and kissed it fondly. "I love you, Severus."

Snape smiled and squeezed Lily's hand one last time as he gazed into those emerald green eyes.

"I love you too," he said and a moment later, he was expelled from Spinner's End. His eyes fluttered open as he took in the scene that was the potions lab. A sense of calm overtook him that he had not known in a long time and emerald eyes met him once more.

"How are you feeling, dad?" Harry asked.

Snape smiled. "Never better."

Snape hadn't actually divulged much to Harry about his conversation with Lily. He didn't think it necessary for the boy to know. But he had been over the moon when Snape had told him that the potion was an absolute success and had started taking notes at a furious pace, not even noticing when Snape had retreated to his chambers.

And now he was pacing his sitting rooms, not sure what he was supposed to do from here on out. He could almost hear Lily's voice egging him on. Come on Sev, you can do it!

Snape growled at the imaginary voice and continued his pacing. If he was going to do this, he had to do it right. But how should he best approach this? Should he visit Maya in her quarters later that evening, explaining that he had somehow seen the light? Snape huffed at himself for the ridiculous thought and shook his head.

Perhaps he could change the signage he had placed around Hogwarts to direct her to his personal chambers only to act all surprised when she arrived there? What madness! He had never done anything of the sort and didn't have the foggiest idea on how to proceed. He had nearly thrown a throw pillow – which he had been tearing at for a while - into the fire to alleviate some of his distress when the door opened.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked as he eyed the abused pillow in Snape's hands.

With a huff, Snape threw the pillow back in its place and crossed his arms. "I'm thinking," he said.

"Okay," Harry said slowly. He walked around Snape and dropped himself onto the couch, watching with interest how Snape resumed his pacing.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, grabbing one of the biscuits that had been left on the table.

"Things," Snape replied curtly.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I can't help you if you give replies like that." He moved his legs onto the couch and lay flat on his back, tucking his arms under his head.

"I assure you that this does not concern you," Snape snarled.

Harry chuckled. "What did mum say that has you so frazzled?" he asked.

"Plenty of things," Snape said through gritted teeth. He really didn't want to get into this with the boy right now.

Harry pointed his wand at the ceiling and conjured a small green light that he made dance across the cement. "And the most disconcerting thing was…"

"Maya," Snape spat.

Harry dropped his wand. "What?" he asked. "How did that come up?"

"Believe it or not, but your mother asked me about her out of the blue," Snape said. "Which is so like her when I think about it."

Harry smirked and flipped himself onto his stomach. "And what did she have to say about that?" he asked. "Does she want you to snog Maya? She does, doesn't she?"

The pointed glare Snape sent Harry's way was apparently enough of an indication. Harry laughed and threw the already abused throw pillow against Snape's pacing form. "I knew it!" he exclaimed. "But why does that have you so worked up?"

Snape flicked his eyes skyward in exasperation and stopped pacing. "Because I don't have the slightest idea on how to handle this," he told Harry. "I already turned her down. I can't very well waltz up to her and tell her 'Just kidding'!"

The amusement with which Harry regarded Snape at that moment was nothing short of infuriating but when the brat opened his mouth to speak, it only got worse.

"Well," he said, "since I've already gotten two girlfriends this year, maybe you would do well to take my advice."

"Very cheeky," Snape growled, "And what – pray tell – would… hold on, two girlfriends?"

"Later," Harry said dismissively. "For now, I would advise you to act less like a Slytherin and more like a Gryffindor."

"A Gryffindor?" Snape repeated with barely disguised disgust.

"A Gryffindor," Harry said confidently.

This got Snape pacing again as Harry leaned back into the cushions, regarding Snape with far too much amusement.

'Gryffindor,' Snape thought. 'Courage, bravery, nerve and chivalry'. He repeated that line a couple of times in his head and added impetuosity for good measure. Perhaps not an official house value but certainly one that was present among most Gryffindors. 'And when did that brat get another girlfriend? Focus, Severus!'

"Gryffindor," Snape suddenly exclaimed aloud. "I understand." And before Harry could say another word, he threw open his door and stalked away in a hurried pace.

He was vaguely aware of Harry hurrying after him but ignored him. Right now, he was a man on a mission.

"Severus," Harry said as he jogged after Snape. "What are you doing?"

"I'm playing Quidditch," Snape replied sardonically. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"I don't know," Harry said exasperatedly. "You look like someone who is hurrying into a precarious situation without a plan!"

Snape smirked. "Think like a Gryffindor, you said."

"That's not at all what I meant!" Harry called out. But Snape ignored him. The seed had been sown and now he would make sure to bloom his plan – for he did have one, however last-minute – into fruition.

If Snape had gotten the time right, dinner would be in session at the moment so he would no doubt find Maya sitting in the great hall. Harry seemed to understand the same thing and suddenly hurried off as if he were trying to get there ahead of Snape. What he thought that might accomplish, Snape could only guess.

And then he was met with the doors of the great hall that were wide open to welcome any dinner guests. Without hesitation, he walked inside and saw that Harry had joined his friends at the Gryffindor table. As he stalked past, he heard his son mutter to his friends. " -Absolutely bonkers! I told him to act like a Gryffindor and he went all –"

Maya had not yet taken her seat at the high table. A Ravenclaw student was talking animatedly to her as she showed off a much too long essay. Snape schooled his expression into a neutral one but he had to admit that even he felt nervous in the face of what he was about to do.

Maya noticed him and straightened her back. She smiled warmly as Snape walked up to her, exuding confidence and determination.

"Severus, here you –" she began but she couldn't say any more for Snape gave her no such opportunity. In one smooth motion, he closed the distance between the two of them and pulled Maya into a tight embrace as his lips connected to hers. For a moment, she tensed but then she relaxed and leaned into him, her hands finding support on his back.

Snape became aware of the entire great hall falling silent but he didn't care. At that moment there was no time and there was no one else but him and Maya. They were nothing but two people finding solace in each other's presence and he knew that she – like him – did not want to let go.

After what seemed to be an inappropriate amount of time, Snape pulled back, a sly grin on his face as he looked at a severely flustered Maya.

"Severus," she breathed.

"I was a fool, Maya," Snape said. There was a kindness in his voice that very few people in this hall had ever heard from him. "I'm yours if you'll still have me."

Maya smiled broadly as she flung herself around his neck. "Of course I will!" she exclaimed.

Instantly, a few people from the Gryffindor table started clapping, much to Snape's annoyance. He glared at Harry who sat there looking decidedly smug. More and more students followed Harry's example until the entire student body had erupted into loud applause, most of them standing up.

Snape knew that he should feel mortification. But all he felt in that moment was an overwhelming happiness that he had not dared would ever be his again.

Oh my Goodness, this is the end of one of the archs. *Sniffle* It's a sad but happy occasion. This is the chapter I had in mind when I thought of TPM. This is what the most important part in my opinion because this is where Snape finally lets go of his anguish. But there's still so much more to come! Please do review and tell me what you thought!