Chapter 17
"As you are well aware by now, Legilimency and Occlumency go hand in hand," Snape said, "They are two sides of the same coin. Where Occlumency is a defensive skill, Legilimency is offensive. Therefore, you will need to actively cast the spell."
"Well, I gathered as much from having you invade my mind all those times," Harry said blankly.
Snape fixed him with a piercing glare and Harry wisely shut his mouth.
"You need at least a basic grasp of Occlumency to be able to Legilimise someone's mind," Snape continued as if he wasn't interrupted. "It's important that you occlude your mind lest you lose yourself in your victim's memories."
"But, Severus," Harry said, "I'm not quite there yet, am I?"
"You are," Snape replied evenly, "Enough so to at least attempt the basics. And as I mentioned before, I will be there to guide you."
"So what, do I hold your hand or something?" Harry joked.
"Yes," Snape replied, "If we maintain a physical connection, it will be easier to attain that link while in each other's mind."
"Oh," Harry said. He was starting to feel decidedly uncomfortable. Snape seemed to realize as much immediately.
"It is really not that frightening," he said soothingly, "Trust me to know what I'm doing."
Harry smiled as he relaxed somewhat. "I do trust you," he said.
"Good. Then go ahead and take a seat."
"Do I sit on the floor again?" Harry asked.
"Just to be safe, yes," Snape replied. After Harry sat down, Snape went to sit across from him, his arms resting casually on top of his folded legs. Harry copied his position and looked at him expectantly.
"Take my hands," Snape said. Harry inhaled deeply and did so, trying his best to ignore the missing finger on Snape's left hand.
"Now clear your mind and allow me to reach out."
Harry did as he was told and waited for that now-familiar tingle that would indicate Snape's presence. When he felt it, he allowed it entrance.
For one disconcerting moment, he got the feeling that he was losing consciousness when he felt Snape tug at his own mind but the feeling quickly vanished.
"Don't fight it," Snape said calmly, "Just follow."
If Harry had been fighting Snape at all, he hadn't realized. But he allowed himself to relax some more and closed his eyes to get a better sense of what he was doing. If he concentrated, he got the distinct feeling of a presence floating somewhere right in front of him. The corridors of his – or were they already Snape's – mind passed them by as they went. All Harry had to do was stay close and he quickly found that he could do so if he simply let go of the idea that he was in control.
"Good," Snape said. But Harry didn't think he had said it out loud. He had felt it more than he heard it, just like when Snape communicated with him when he was in a memory.
"You will experience a moment of disassociation now," Snape told him, "You must allow it. No harm will come to you."
And suddenly, Harry felt as if he had lost his connection to the surrounding area. He could no longer feel the floor beneath him nor did he experience the feeling of breathing air. He felt as if he could lose himself at any moment now when he felt the gentle squeeze of Snape's hands grabbing his own. He reached out and grabbed hold of that feeling, allowing his mind to go where Snape was taking it.
And then he was flung into a memory. It was disconcerting to find himself in a scene he hadn't taken part of like he was some sort of onlooker. He looked around, half expecting to find the physical form of Snape looming somewhere behind him but he wasn't.
"I'm here," Snape assured him, "Now pay attention to the memory and the shields I will be putting in place. You will only have a moment to study my efforts before you're ejected."
Harry recognized the outskirts of Cokeworth. They were near his mother's house. A young child with shoulder-length black hair sat at the riverbank, throwing pebbles into the water. His clothes were worn out and mismatched. He was probably no older than thirteen.
"Severus!" Harry looked away to see a young girl run up to him. Her hair was the colour of fire and her green eyes were so much like his own. She was carrying what seemed to be a picnic basket.
Severus got up and patted his clothes to remove the sand from them. "Hi Lily," he said, smiling warmly. Even Harry had never seen his father look as happy as he did at that moment.
"I'm sorry I'm late," Lily breathed, leaning on her knees to collect herself, "Mum wanted me to clean up my room first."
Severus snorted. "In that case, I'm surprised you even made it here at all."
"Hey!" Lily reacted, swatting Severus playfully, "Are you calling me messy?"
Severus laughed, "Are you denying it? I can't believe you didn't break a leg tripping over your own things yet."
Lily grabbed Severus' hand and started dragging him with her. "Just come on," she said, "I'm starving!" Severus followed.
Harry was smiling brightly at the scene when he recognised the mist swirling across the memory. It was the same kind he had been unable to mould in his own mind. More than see what was happening, Harry could feel it. The intangible fog was actually the solidification of his emotions or in this case those of Snape. He felt the tightening of Snape's hands on his and wondered if it was subconscious on his part.
He was aware of the space between the silver slivers diminishing as they became less translucent and sturdier. If he would have had a sense of temperature, he was sure it would've become colder even though he didn't know why he thought that. The leaves of the surrounding trees stopped rustling and Harry wondered if time had stopped in the memory or if it had just been halted.
"No," he said, "Not yet. Please."
But his pleas were ignored and he was expelled from the memory. For a moment, he was disconnected from Snape and he couldn't help but think to himself that he wanted more. It was one thing to hear stories of his mother or to see her in pictures. It was another thing entirely to see her in real life, even if it was just a memory.
And without even realizing what was happening, he felt his own mind flip through Snape's, memories flashing past him at breakneck speed. He couldn't even see what was going on. And suddenly - as if he had landed after using a portkey - he found himself grounded in another memory.
"It's because he's a Gryffindor, isn't it?" Severus asked a frazzled looking Lily. Harry thought he might have been sixteen in this memory. He wasn't entirely sure what happened but his mother was in this memory too. And all he wanted was to see more of her.
"Don't be ridiculous, Sev," Lily replied softly, "You know that doesn't matter to me."
"You know how he is," Severus said. His voice sounded hurt. "You know what he and the rest of his pack do to people like me."
"I know he used to be a prat," Lily answered, "But he's improved a lot lately, hasn't he? Wait, has he come after you again?"
Severus seemed to struggle with himself for a while before glaring at Lily. "No," he answered coldly, "But how does that negate his previous actions? They almost got me killed!"
"That was Sirius," Lily said, anger evident in her voice but Harry didn't think it was directed at Severus. "And James was very upset with him for that. Remus as well."
Severus huffed. "They were probably scared that people would find out about Lupin."
"I can understand you're upset about this but it honestly has nothing to do with
you, Sev,"
Lily said, "You made very clear what you think of … people like me."
Severus suddenly lunged forward and for a moment, Harry thought he might hit Lily. But instead, he pulled Lily close and kissed her fiercely, one hand on the small of her back and the other buried in her long hair on the back of her head. She seemed stunned for a moment before she roughly pushed him away.
"Don't!" she spat, "You had your chance and you blew it." Her gaze softened when she saw the hurt look in Severus' eyes but she didn't approach him. "I'm with James now. I'm sorry."
And without another word, she turned around and walked away. Harry wondered if he imagined the tears that now stained her face. He was overcome by pain and sadness as he watched Severus stand there for a few moments before finally turning around and heading in the opposite direction where Harry knew the dungeons were.
Suddenly, Harry felt Snape's hands clench his almost painfully and he was flicked from the memory with more force than he was previously. He was aware of feeling his consciousness be picked up and dragged away. Then – with the distinct feeling of missing a step on the stairs – he was deposited back into his own mind.
He opened his eyes and met Snape's cold stare. His hands were released instantly as the man got up and went to pour himself a large glass of fire whiskey.
"I didn't do that on purpose," Harry said, wanting desperately to defend himself even if Snape hadn't accused him of anything yet. Snape didn't respond. He just took a large gulp of his whiskey, not turning back around to face Harry.
"I don't know what happened," Harry tried again, "I'm sorry."
Snape sighed deeply but still said nothing.
"Dad –"
"Don't," Snape finally replied. There was no anger in his voice. Only a distinct feeling of sadness that made Harry clench his own jaw in empathic agony.
"Your lesson is over," Snape said, "You are excused."
"But –"
"Please leave, Harry."
There was still no anger but the command was clear and Harry knew he would not be allowed to push his luck much farther. Without saying another word, he walked out of the door, glancing one last time over his shoulder to note that the glass of whiskey was already empty. He closed the door slowly and soundlessly, leaving Snape alone with his thoughts.
Upset with himself and desperate to find some sort of distraction, Harry went into the potions lab. Even if he was not allowed to start making his own creation, he could still work on improving existing ones. He could focus on making one he already knew but that would do little to distract him.
He wanted to walk to the station he normally occupied when he noticed someone was already in the lab. And that someone was talking to Hedwig in a gentle voice, stroking her back.
"Luna," Harry said in surprise.
"Hi, Harry," Luna greeted.
Harry frowned. Luna was not at all someone interested in potions. He had never seen her in the lab before. In fact, when had she ever walked the dungeon corridors willingly?
"You seem surprised," Luna commented, smiling kindly.
"I just didn't think I would see you here," Harry uttered, "Not that I mind, of course. The lab is open to anyone so feel free."
"Hedwig won't mind, will she?" Luna asked honestly, "I would feel terrible if I disturbed her."
"I think she secretly likes potioneers," Harry chuckled, "I haven't been able to move her back to the astronomy tower since that heatwave ended."
"That's only logical, isn't it?" Luna offered, "She's been able to be in your company far more than when she's in that tower. Why would she give that up?"
"Do you think so?" Harry asked, "I thought she simply liked the calm down here."
"She's a very smart owl," Luna said confidently, "And she knows her master needs her."
Harry gazed into Luna's eyes for a moment before coughing awkwardly and setting up his cauldron. "So, what are you practising today?"
"The Draught of Living Death," Luna replied, "I wasn't able to brew it properly in class so Professor Slughorn proposed I try again in here. If I manage a better result, he will improve my grade."
"Sometimes I forget you're a Ravenclaw," Harry said fondly, "Of course you would do nothing but your best."
"It's all anyone can do, really," Luna said dreamily, "Even you, Harry."
"Er… Right," Harry said uncertainly, "Here, let me help you. Did you bring your book?"
"I'm sure you didn't come here with the purpose to help me," Luna said, "You can go ahead and focus on yourself."
"It's nothing really," Harry said, "I came here with the intention to distract myself. And helping you will do."
"Distract yourself?" Luna asked airily as she started chopping up her ingredients, "From what?"
"Just something that happened," Harry said quietly.
Luna regarded him for a while, with that kind wide smile on her face before replying. "You know, the reason you are able to hurt each other is because your souls are connected."
Harry looked at her sharply, unsure of what to say. Luna just went back to grinding her rutabaga into powder.
"How do you know what's bothering me?" Harry asked after a while. He picked up a knife and cut Luna's parsley for her.
"I don't really," Luna replied, "But judging by your murky aura, it has something to do with Professor Snape."
Harry nodded. "I saw a memory I wasn't supposed to see."
Luna didn't seem taken aback by that statement at all. Nor did she ask any questions as to how that would have occurred. Instead, she asked: "Did you do it on purpose?"
"No," Harry said easily, "At least I don't think so. I wanted to – well, not necessarily that particular memory – but I didn't even know how."
"A wish is a powerful thing," Luna replied. Hedwig had come to join them on the station and was peering carefully at Luna's ingredients.
"It's just that he has all these memories of my mother," Harry explained, "And I have none. It was so nice to finally see her. To know what she was like. But –"
"But you found out she was human too," Luna spoke kindly, "She was not perfect and she made mistakes. We all do, Harry."
Harry swallowed thickly, wondering why he was telling Luna as much as he was. "I know," he said, "But Severus is still suffering from what happened. Even if I don't fully understand it, it doesn't seem right."
"The heart was made to be broken," Luna replied. She started the fire under her cauldron and threw in the first of her ingredients. "And the best way to keep that from happening is by pretending you don't have a heart at all. I think that's why Professor Snape acts the way he does."
"But don't you see," Harry sighed, "That means my mum broke him. There's no way I can ever hope to fix that."
Luna chuckled innocently. "Broken glass sort of looks like glitter, doesn't it?"
Harry couldn't help himself. He laughed. Luna smiled brightly when he did.
"I have faith in the both of you, you know," Luna said, "Professor Snape has been able to help you dispel most of your sadness. I know you can do the same for him."
"Why do you think I was ever sad?" Harry asked.
Luna looked at him knowingly. "I see many things, Harry Potter. It's easy to keep an eye on others when you're invisible. I know you once knew this too."
Harry couldn't speak past the lump in his throat that had suddenly formed for no good reason. Hedwig nipped his finger carefully and Harry smiled at her.
"This is where the potion stops doing what I want," Luna said, completely, undisturbed. She was about to toss in her Valerian root when Harry stopped her.
"Don't throw it in haphazardly," he said, "You need to distribute the root along the edges of the cauldron. It has a reaction with the pewter that you need for the potion to work correctly."
"Is that so?" Luna asked, coyly tilting her head. She carefully added the powdered root per Harry's instructions, watching eagerly as the potion absorbed the ingredient.
"Don't forget to stir," Harry told her, snapping her out of her dreamy daze.
"Of course," Luna said as if she hadn't forgotten at all. She stirred ten times clockwise while Harry watched.
"So how is your personal project coming along?" Luna asked.
Harry sighed. "Severus is forcing me to learn Occlumency before I am allowed to try and brew it at all."
"You'll manage," Luna said knowingly, "I think your purpose is a great one."
"You do?" Harry asked, feeling uncharacteristically happy with the faith Luna seemed to have in him.
"Even death has a heart," Luna said, "He will allow you your creation. I know it."
Suddenly, Harry wondered how much Luna still struggled with the death of her mother and if she was secretly looking forward to this potion herself. "I'm sorry about your mother," Harry said out of the blue.
But Luna smiled and shook her head. "Death ends a life, not a relationship," she said, "I miss her but I will always have her nearby."
Harry didn't know why he suddenly felt the urge to do so, but he embraced Luna kindly, trying to comfort her. She did not hesitate to hug him back. And even though he had initially hugged her to make her feel better, he couldn't help but feel his own troubles dissipate somewhat as well.
When she ended the embrace, Harry felt almost saddened by it but he smiled back at her unflinchingly.
"I do believe this attempt is considerably better, don't you?" Luna asked sweetly.
"Huh?" Harry asked.
"The draught," Luna replied, gesturing towards the cauldron.
"Oh," Harry said, "Yes. Of course." He looked in the cauldron and found no fault with the potion at all. "It looked like you nearly had it anyway," Harry added, "You really didn't need all that much help."
"We all need help sometimes," Luna said importantly. She bottled one vial and vanished the rest of the potion. "I really admire you, do you know that?"
Harry felt himself flush, not knowing what to say. Thankfully for him, Luna didn't seem to expect a reply.
"Bye, Harry!" she said before skipping out of the lab. Hedwig hooted as she left and Harry stroked her absentmindedly wondering when he had grown so fond of that dreamy little Ravenclaw.
A few days later, Harry found himself sitting at the breakfast table, staring wryly at his untouched breakfast rolls. He hadn't really spoken with Snape that much since their Legilimency lesson. There didn't seem to be any anger or resentment between them but they didn't speak nonetheless. When Harry chanced a glance at the high table, Snape was sitting there with Professor Bell having a very one-sided conversation with the man.
"Even more muggles have disappeared," Hermione said worriedly. Harry turned his attention to her and frowned at the paper she was holding.
"Again?" he asked, "That's three days in a row."
"I know," Hermione said in frustration, "But this time, several muggles have died on the scene of the disappearance as well."
"I'm sorry, Hermione," Ron said, drawing her in a one-armed embrace. "I know you're worried about your parents."
Hermione accepted the embrace and nodded in Ron's chest. "I don't know what to do."
"Maybe we can ask Dumbledore for help," Harry suggested, "Or if you want, we can owl the ministry and ask them to place some Aurors on the lookout near them?"
"Why would they do that?" Hermione asked, "They're just dentists. There's nothing special about them."
"We could at the least connect their fireplace to the floo network," Ron offered, "Have it connect to Hogwarts and explain how it works. Place some wards around their house and tell them to use the floo if it ever goes off."
"Ron," Hermione said, pulling back to look at him completely baffled. "That's actually a very good idea. And Professor Dumbledore might even agree to it."
"Of course he'll agree to it," Harry agreed, "He cares about his students and I know that he wouldn't want his top student's grades to go down because she's worried all the time."
"What is Dumbledore even reading?" Ron suddenly asked when he noticed the strange paper the man was holding. Harry squinted but couldn't make it out.
"The Sunday Times," Hermione said easily, "It's a muggle paper."
"It's not even Sunday!" Ron said, "Are muggles always that late with their news?"
"Of course not," Hermione sighed, "But you can't very well expect a muggle paper to get here on the day it's published, can you? It gets delivered to a squib Professor Dumbledore is in contact with and they owl it to him. It's bound to be a day late."
"Okay," Ron said slowly, "But why is he reading a muggle paper?"
"Is it because of the disappearances?" Harry asked.
"I think so," Hermione said, "But to be honest, he didn't exactly tell me his intentions when he asked me what I thought was the more reputable muggle paper."
Harry stared at Dumbledore contemplatively for a while when the man seemed to notice that he was being watched and looked up to see Harry looking at him. He smiled brightly and Harry smiled back sheepishly.
Dumbledore held his gaze for a moment more before inclining his head toward Snape. Harry's gaze flickered to the man before he could help himself. Snape was busying himself with eating eggs and ham. Professor Bell was no longer talking to him but entertaining Hagrid with a funny anecdote of some kind if Hagrid's thunderous laugh was any indication.
Harry met Dumbledore's gaze again and shrugged as he shook his head, a helpless expression on his face. But Dumbledore winked at him and nodded as if to tell him that everything would be alright.
"Ready for defence?" Ron asked.
"As ready as I'll ever be," Harry sighed, "Let's go."