Chapter 20
Since Harry was basically told that he would be able to get started on his potion soon, he became increasingly anxious to go to his next Occlumency lesson. He was nearly there and he honestly couldn't wait.
And yet, it wasn't until the next weekend that Harry received a note from Snape. He was brewing some blood replenishing potion for the infirmary while Hedwig snoozed on his shoulder when the glow of Harry's cuff startled him somewhat. He finished his stirring pattern and looked at the message.
"Come to my quarters."
Harry frowned. It was very short and to the point, even for Snape. He looked at his potion and sighed. It was probably for the best that he didn't keep the man waiting. He put a stasis spell on the cauldron and brought Hedwig back over to her perch.
"Will you keep an eye out for me, girl?" he said, "No one is to touch the potion, alright?"
Hedwig hooted softly in response and Harry stroked her feathers a couple of times before leaving. If he was lucky, this would be about Occlumency. It was a good thing that he was already in the dungeons. He took a couple of right turns and one left before finding himself in front of that familiar door again. He opened it and walked inside, finding Snape sitting in the middle of the room. The furniture was swept to the sides again which gave Harry pause. Why would Snape think that necessary again?
"Severus?" Harry said, disturbing the man's train of thought. He looked up and fixed Harry with a rather grim stare. Harry frowned but automatically stepped forward to sit in front of the man.
"What's going on?" he asked.
Snape regarded him for a short while before replying. "You are very close to mastering Occlumency," Snape said evenly. His voice was devoid of all emotion and gave Harry the shudders. When was the last time he had talked to Harry that way? "I've been thinking about what I would need to do to get you to cross that line. To give you that final nudge."
Harry swallowed nervously but nodded.
"As I've explained before, using the 'Drink of Despair' is out of the question and will be for a very long time," Snape continued stoically, "Which doesn't leave me with a whole lot of options."
Harry wanted to reply with a joke or a sardonic comment to lighten the mood but he didn't dare to. He knew that right now, Snape would not appreciate those kinds of efforts. So once more, he simply nodded.
"In fact, I only have one option left," Snape said, a sense of finality in his voice, "I need to attack your mind."
Harry blinked. "As in, really attack me?" Harry asked, "With the intention to do damage?"
"Exactly so," Snape replied. "You are a student that learns exceptionally well when under stress. Your abilities develop as you need them. Not only that, but we've reached a stage in your training that cannot be overcome without experience."
"But why you?" Harry asked, not looking forward to being attacked by his father. "Why can't Dumbledore do it?"
"Professor Dumbledore – while a powerful and accomplished Occlumens – has not ever used his skills of the mind to attack someone," Snape explained, "He is fully capable of sneaking into someone's mind to look for thoughts and memories without the victim ever realizing he was there. But he could never be as forceful as you would need him to be."
Harry frowned as he averted his gaze to look at his hands. There were potion stains on them.
"Harry," Snape said, his voice somewhat softer. "I will remind you one last time that you don't need to do this. You can always decide to change your research though I must admit that it would be very useful for you to master Occlumency."
Harry shivered in the cold dungeon air. He noticed that there was no fire burning in the hearth.
"What are you going to do exactly?" Harry asked quietly.
"I will assault your mind," Snape explained. "I will attempt to bring forth the most terrible of memories and thoughts as well as fabricate my own. You are supposed to fight me. Keep me out. Unravel my fabrications and tethers before they draw you in."
Harry's chest grew tighter as he considered Snape's words. He really didn't want to do this but on the other hand, he simply had to master Occlumency.
"Do you need time to consider?" Snape asked.
Harry shook his head. If he took the time to think about this, he would probably only grow more and more hesitant to go through with it. He could already hear Hermine's voice, telling him that it was a bad idea and that there just had to be another way.
"I'll do it," Harry said. His voice was trembling and his palms were sweaty. If this would have been an actual duel, Harry wouldn't even mind if Snape attacked to injure. Because he was confident in his own abilities. But this truly scared him.
"Very well," Snape said, getting up from the floor and taking out his wand. "Rise," he said, "This is a duel, not a tea party."
Begrudgingly, Harry got up from the floor and faced Snape. The man's eyes were cold and dark, not a speck of emotion betraying his thoughts. Harry did his best to do the same and cleared his mind.
"Legilimens!"
It was almost as if Snape physically punched him, that time. Harry stumbled a few steps back but did his best to stand his ground. His shields were still holding strong. He fixed Snape with a defiant glare, spreading his legs somewhat so his stance felt more solid.
Snape flicked his wand and Harry felt that same blow again. Reflexively, he raised his arm but this time, that would not help him. His shields didn't falter, though and Harry wondered when Snape would become serious.
Another wand flick and another blow. Harry knew what was coming and endured the hit unflinchingly this time. He checked his shields and knew that Snape hadn't even scratched them. He couldn't stop himself from smirking.
"I think it's time you become serious," he taunted, "Because you're not getting through."
Snape's expression remained unchanged. His emotions were clearly walled off and the man exuded nothing but his well-known persona. One of cool collectedness. Harry's smile faltered somewhat but he remained focused, awaiting the next blow.
Just when he thought that this was going to be nothing more than a test of his own endurance, he became aware of a sharp pain near his temple. He frowned and touched the spot with his hand, only to encounter unblemished skin.
"Damn," he murmured when he realized Snape was trying to get in. He focused his attention on strengthening the wall again when he was hit with another blow. Harry stumbled somewhat closer to the stone dungeon wall and before he could regain his balance, another blow connected, followed by another. And another.
Soon, Harry was backed up against the wall, holding himself up with one hand.
"Just a moment," he breathed but Snape didn't relent. He took a few menacing steps towards Harry, swishing his wand at his target. Harry braced himself but couldn't keep part of his shields from shattering. He was surprised at how much it hurt and gasped when he became aware of the pain.
Snape had gotten in. His presence was familiar yet much darker than it had ever been. He was no longer a subtle hitchhiker in Harry's mind but rather a powerful intruder that relished in kicking in doors and smashing windows as he blazed through.
Harry tried throwing him out. He tried catching him but Snape was faster.
Suddenly, he was thrown in a memory of his childhood, practically falling as he landed hard in his own mind.
"You're a worthless freak!" Vernon yelled as he lifted Harry's head by his hair. He couldn't have been more than five. "You're as useless as your parents were. Why don't you just crawl into a ditch and die?"
"Please Uncle," Harry heard himself plead, "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."
When Vernon's fist connected with his jaw, he could feel the splitting pain that accompanied the breaking of bone. He cried.
"You dare cry," Vernon snarled and he threw Harry into the cupboard. "Stay in there until you're done snivelling, freak. Or I'll really give you something to whine about."
And then he was engulfed by the darkness of his cupboard.
The scene swirled and Harry was thrown into the graveyard, the dead body of Cedric lying beside him. His wand was in his hand and Voldemort was in front of him, brandishing his own.
"Stop it," Harry thought, "This isn't real."
If he had expected Snape to respond, he was sorely disappointed. It was very clear that Snape was not his friend right now. And Harry could not consider him as such.
"Avada Kedavra!"
Harry dodged the curse and hid behind a gravestone. Desperately, he calmed himself, searching for the mist that hung around the memory. He ignored the laughter of the death eaters around him and tried to focus when Voldemort suddenly stood before him.
"Crucio," he hissed.
That all too familiar blinding pain coursed through Harry's body. He tried to remember that none of it was real but his body seemed very convinced that it was. Eventually, he couldn't help himself. He screamed. It was then that Voldemort lifted the curse and sneered down at him.
Harry breathed in deeply and closed his eyes, trying to forget his surroundings.
"Stop," he thought, willing the memory to stop playing. Soon, the sounds around him stilled and he opened his eyes to find himself surrounded by the mists of his mind. Gratefully, he used them as he had learned and shaped the way out of the memory. It faded and Harry found himself in darkness.
For a moment, he wondered if he was back in the cupboard but then he realized that he wasn't in a memory. Another blow hit him and Harry was aware of his body stumbling and his elbow knocking into something hard. Possibly the wall. He dared not divert his attention though.
It was time to find the intruder and kick him out.
Another sharp pain near the back of his head notified Harry of where Snape was. He was vaguely aware of the man ripping through his memories in what appeared to be a blind fury. He tore viciously at the ones that were buried away. It almost felt as if the man were tearing Harry's skin if such a thing was possible.
Harry quickly focused on the area that was under attack and resurfaced there. The unwelcome presence didn't halt his actions and kept cutting through everything that made up Harry.
Harry focused all of his attention on Snape's consciousness and willed it backwards. As soon as he did, the dark presence was flung into the near distance and the sharp pain subsided. Harry regarded his adversary carefully, wondering what he was supposed to do next.
Another blow from the physical realm rattled him and he lost focus for just a split second. It had been enough, though.
Harry found himself expelled from the battle in his mind and fell roughly to the floor. Before he realized what happened, he expelled the contents of his stomach all over the floor. He felt shaky and drained, trying to right himself on wobbly arms. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked up at Snape.
"Please stop," he urged but he found no mercy in Snape's eyes. The man flicked his wand and Harry flinched away but to no avail. He was lurched back into the depths of his own mind and gasped sharply when more pain hammered his brain.
Suddenly, Harry found himself engulfed in a dark blue that was almost black. The air around him trembled and moved in the pattern of waves if more slowly. The ground was not solid enough to support Harry's weight and soon his feet were swallowed by it as if he stood in quicksand. He couldn't break free.
Dark mists swirled all around him, teasing him. Stroking him, gently. Where it touched him, it burned him. Feelings of hopeless overcame him. He was reminded of how unloved he truly was. No one wanted him. It had gone so far that the Professor that hated him the most of all ended up adopting him. He was a freak. A tragedy. He was the reason his parents died. The reason Cedric died. Sirius. Grief weighed on him heavily, pulling him down.
Harry fell to his hands and knees and was only vaguely aware of the darkness swallowing them up.
'Nobody wants you, boy,' echoed the voice of his uncle.
'You bring death wherever you go,' Petunia shrieked in horror.
'I wish you were more like your father,' Sirius said woefully.
'You are an arrogant and spoiled little brat,' Snape sneered.
'Just die.'
'Die.'
'Why can't you die already?'
'People would be better off with you gone.'
'Die.'
'Go die in a ditch, why don't you?'
"I want to die."
"…"
"…"
"…"
'I really admire you, do you know that?'
'Thank you, Harry."
'I am proud of you.'
'We're with you, Harry. No matter what happens.'
'The ones that love us never really leave us.'
'I love you, son.'
Determination flooded Harry's mind and the darkness that had surrounded him only moments before, now quickly turned light as a shockwave seemed to emanate from Harry's being. His limbs were no longer being sucked up by the ground and he rose again, empowered by the memories of his loved ones.
He felt another blast connect with his physical form and thought he tasted blood.
"Get out," Harry growled. He felt his mind connect roughly with the invading presence. He struggled with Snape's powerful existence as it pushed back against him.
BANG
Harry wasn't sure where the sound had come from but didn't think it came from within. He was vaguely aware of a sharp pain in his head that wasn't there before.
"I said get out!" Harry snarled again, not sure if he said the words aloud. He put all the strength he could muster into one final push and was thrown back into reality as was Snape. And yet, he wasn't entirely gone. Harry could still feel a part of Snape hiding in the back of his mind. A tether if you will. Harry narrowed his eyes as he stared Snape down. The infuriating man still didn't show a shred of emotion.
"I know you're still in here," Harry said icily, "Are you going to withdraw or do I need to drag you out?"
A flick of Snape's wand was his answer and Harry felt another blow. This time it seemed to come from within his head and he grabbed at it as if to stop it from splitting open. It hurt so much. The pain was practically on par with the Cruciatus curse.
"AAAAAH, you BASTARD," Harry screamed. But Snape didn't relent. Soon, Harry found himself kneeling on the ground, still grabbing his head as he folded into himself. Whatever had remained in his stomach, found its way to the floor then.
Harry crashed to the ground, black dots marring his vision as he tried desperately to ignore the pain, to ignore his own screams. He didn't think he would last much longer before he would literally go insane.
It took every bit of willpower he still had but he occluded inside himself and re-joined Snape on the battlefield that was his own mind. This time, he would get rid of him. This time, he would prevail. He had to.
He ignored Snape, for now, biting through the pain. He knew his physical form was writhing on the floor in agony but he calmed his mind. He sought sanctuary.
He found himself back in that white room, the crimson couch still waiting for him. The pain was gone and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. He had created a tether in the form of an old fashioned television set and sat down stoically to have a direct view of the havoc that was being wreaked upon his mind.
Emotionless, he watched as Snape tore through another memory, attempting to implement it. To alter it. With a nod of his head, Harry made the memory disappear and watched as Snape stood there in apparent confusion. But not for long. He moved forward, attempting to cause more damage but Harry made a gesture as if he were roughly opening a curtain. The form of Snape was propelled backwards and was flung into an imaginary wall.
He wrenched himself free and stood there for a second as if he was trying to concentrate. He was most likely looking for Harry. When he looked up to meet Harry's gaze, the boy knew he had been found. And yet, he didn't fear the dark man. Not in here.
Without faltering, he started to form a ball with his hands, his eyes never leaving Snape as the man seemed to be focusing. Staring.
Slowly, he brought his cupped hands closer together until he noticed the form of Snape crouch down, lifting an arm above his head as if to shield himself. Harry did not relent for Snape had not done so either. His hands came even closer together and the form of Snape became smaller and smaller as it curled into itself. Harry didn't want to go too far. He simply wanted to push Snape to his limits.
And then, suddenly, Snape's presence disappeared and he was gone. Harry strengthened his shields and double-checked that there was no more trace of the Potions Master to be found. Soon, he was satisfied that there wasn't.
He thought it was all over when he felt the walls of his minds quake and shudder under the heavy assault that was brought forth by Snape. But Harry knew, he would not be breached. No more.
Calmly, he turned off the old television that was his tether and exited the room that had saved him once more. When the assault still posed no problems - despite Snape's furious attempts - Harry thought it safe enough to leave his own mind and face the master Legilimens once more.
When Harry became aware of his surroundings, he found himself to still be lying on the floor. His body ached all over and he felt sick to his stomach. Yet he could not deny the sense of calm that had come over him and was still there.
He forced himself to stand up, ignoring his wobbly knees and faced Snape. The man was staring him down expressionlessly and Harry returned his gaze as stoically as he could. Snape flicked his wand again and again and while Harry could feel the force of those blows hit his walls mercilessly, he knew they would not collapse. He simply stood his ground and showed no more reaction.
After a few more very tense minutes, Snape finally lowered his wand, sighing deeply as he rubbed his forehead.
"Are you okay?" Harry stammered, trying his best not to collapse onto himself.
Snape shot him a disbelieving look and summoned a chair to stand behind his son.
"Sit down," he ordered. Harry didn't need to be told twice and basically crashed into the chair, happy to be somewhat comfortable again. Snape vanished the vomit that stained his floor and summoned his own chair, sitting down opposite of Harry.
And so they sat in an uncomfortable silence until Snape spoke again.
"I'm so sorry," he said quietly. "That was… harder than I imagined it would be."
Harry snorted. "I'll say," he said, "I'll take being tortured by Voldemort any day over this." He touched the back of his head that still felt somewhat sore and winced when it stung. Confused, he drew back his hand to find it stained with blood.
"You hit your head against the wall," Snape explained. Non-verbally, he summoned a couple of potions from his storage room. "I'll clean it up. Just turn your chair somewhat so I might reach the wound."
Harry obeyed and sat there as Snape started cleaning the wound. "It doesn't look that bad," Snape murmured, "You'll be fine by tomorrow."
"I never realized just how much you were holding back before," Harry suddenly said, "In our previous Occlumency lessons, I mean."
"I doubt you would have learned much if I had attacked you like this since the beginning," Snape said evenly.
"I'd probably be dead," Harry said truthfully. Snape halted his movement for a second but continued soon after.
"I would never kill you, Harry," Snape said softly.
"Perhaps not," Harry replied, happy that he wasn't looking into Snape's eyes at that moment. "But for a moment, I wanted to do it myself."
"I know," Snape whispered, "I'm sorry."
"Were you the one who… you, know."
"Brought forth the more pleasant memories?" Snape finished Harry's question. "No, I did not. I was playing my role as the villain in this particular battle. Aiding you in that manner would have been detrimental to your progress."
"Oh," Harry replied, "Then what happened?"
"Your mind defended itself," Snape explained, "It sprung into action when you felt at your absolute lowest. You know yourself best of all, even when you're unaware of it. Your mind knew how to bring you back from the brink of despair and thankfully did so."
"Why has it never done that before?" Harry murmured bitterly.
"This is not a normal response, Harry," Snape said, putting a hand on his son's shoulder, "This is the response of an Occlumens. Of one who has been in contact with his mind and is aware of its inner workings. And it only worked out that way because these feelings were no longer what you normally felt. Had you still been as depressed, your mind would not have picked up the anomaly. But now, it protected you."
Harry drew a shuddering breath as he stared at his quivering hands. Some of his nails were bloody and chipped as if he had been clawing at a hard surface. The floor perhaps? He had been in so much pain.
"You're scary powerful," Harry suddenly blurted out, "Why don't you just use Legilimency to do in with your enemies? They wouldn't stand a chance."
Snape chuckled wryly. "While powerful, it is not something I like to do at all. Not only is it very straining, but it is also an incredibly emotional ordeal. Especially when dealing with someone who has been through as much as you have."
"I'm sorry," Harry said automatically.
Snape moved his chair to sit in front of Harry again and looked him in the eye. "Don't say that, silly child," he said, "You've done nothing wrong. In fact, you've done splendidly."
Even when still suffering from the side effects of the vicious attack, Harry's face lit up. "Do you mean to say –"
"Yes," Snape said, "You've passed this test rather admirably. I hereby grant you permission to start brewing that potion. There are however a few conditions."
Harry frowned slightly. "Okay," he said carefully, "And what are those?"
"First of all, I will be testing your shields regularly. Occlumency is a skill you need to maintain and if I find them lacking, I will halt your progress on the potion until I deem it safe again."
"Sounds reasonable," Harry said, "When will you be testing me?"
"I will be testing you randomly to ensure that your grasp is still firm," Snape explained, "I will also speak with Dumbledore and ask him to do the same."
"It will be nothing like today though, right?" Harry asked, shuddering at the thought.
"No," Snape sighed, "Nothing like today. Not ever again."
"Good," Harry said in relief, "So, what else?"
"Whenever you test the potion, I need to be present," Snape said, "I will not have you drinking it with no one to help you should something go wrong."
"That's fair," Harry said.
"Those are my two conditions," Snape said, "I'm sure even you will be able to follow those rules."
"Thanks," Harry said, flashing Snape a smile that he did not expect to receive after the trying ordeal they had both endured that day. It only proved just how much Harry trusted Snape. If he was entirely honest with himself, he knew he had nearly been on the breaking point himself. It was only lucky that Harry had managed to save himself when he did or Snape would have stopped the test altogether. Perhaps, he should learn to trust Harry a bit more as well. After all, the boy kept surprising him and would probably continue to do so.
I know, I know. I can be somewhat cruel at times.
Please please, please leave me a review if you would? It's my only form of
payment. Any kind if appreciated. Even if it's just one or two words!
Since trafic in the weekends is slow, I won't be updating until Monday at the earliest. But that's not that far away, now is it?
Oh, and to all those who celebrate it, I wish you a happy thanksgiving.