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<div class="chap-title">
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19. Chapter 19
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<div class="chap-text">
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<p class='c1'><strong>Chapter 19</strong></p>
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<p>Harry found himself on the way to Snape's private quarters once more, passing the
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sign that spelt out 'Potions classroom' on the way there. Since the signs were all
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still there but were now all displaying the proper information, Harry couldn't help
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but wonder if this outcome of Snape's 'prank' had been his true purpose here. He had
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noticed that Professor Bell was always on time nowadays and could get around much
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more easily.</p>
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<p>This would be their first lesson since that one experience with Legilimency Harry
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had had before. While Snape had acted completely normal since then, Harry felt a
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sense of trepidation when he thought of facing Snape in this particular context.</p>
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<p>He easily found his Gryffindor courage and entered Snape's chambers, finding the
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man sitting behind his desk with his feet propped up as he read a thick book.</p>
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<p>"Good evening, Harry," Snape greeted casually. He placed a bookmark between the
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pages and closed the book, putting it back in its rightful place on the shelf.</p>
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<p>"Good evening," Harry replied easily. He felt the urge to add 'dad' at the end but
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still didn't feel entirely comfortable with it. He mentally kicked himself. How many
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more times would the man need to save his life and/ or almost die before he could
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finally call him his dad without flushing every time he did it? But he catalogued
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that thought away for another time and focused on the present.</p>
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<p>"You didn't move the furniture out of the way," Harry noted.</p>
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<p>"I don't see the point anymore," Snape replied easily, "At the rate, we're going,
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you're hardly thrashing about nor is either one of us knocked to the ground anymore
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as you practice. We'll be a lot more comfortable seated in a chair, wouldn't you
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say?"</p>
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<p>"Sure," Harry replied, "But don't blame me if I do end up breaking your favourite
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bookcase or something."</p>
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<p>Snape took out the familiar potion and swished it a bit in front of Harry's face
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but drew back a bit when Harry made an attempt to grab it. The boy frowned but
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waited, reading in Snape's expression that something had changed.</p>
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<p>"This is the undiluted version of the potion," Snape said importantly.</p>
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<p>"Already?" Harry asked, slightly taken aback.</p>
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<p>"I feel that the diluted version doesn't exactly present you with a challenge
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anymore," Snape explained, "Especially since you seemed adamant that you understood
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the intent behind the shielding process."</p>
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<p>Harry gave Snape a half-smile. "You're not doing this to get back at me, are
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you?"</p>
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<p>Snape frowned. "Of course not. I would never do such a thing."</p>
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<p>Harry took a deep breath before taking the potion out of Snape's hands. "Okay," he
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said resolutely, "Let's do this."</p>
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<p>"You know the drill," Snape said, "Start by clearing your mind."</p>
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<p>It took only a moment for Harry to do so and soon he drank the potion without any
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more hesitancy. Snape looked at him expectantly, ready to jump in if needed while
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Harry did his best to focus on occluding his mind.</p>
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<p>The first thing he noticed was the sudden unbearable pain in his stomach. An
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unintended side-effect from the potion. The diluted version had caused some
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discomfort in the past but it had been nothing quite like this. Harry gasped for air
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as the stabbing pain distracted him.</p>
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<p>"I know it hurts," Snape told Harry. There was clear concern in his voice and
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Harry noticed that the man reached out with his hand but Harry held up his own to
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stop him.</p>
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<p>"I'll be fine," he forced out, "Just give me a moment."</p>
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<p>So far, he had been able to keep his Occlumency shields up but the memory of his
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darkest day started seeping through. There were shards of hopelessness that seemed to
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penetrate his mind, sowing the seeds of despair as they touched down. Harry gritted
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his teeth at the growing sense of discomfort and hopelessness. He noticed that Snape
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hadn't done anything yet and he pierced the man with an accusatory glare.</p>
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<p>"What are you waiting for?" he snarled, "Do it!"</p>
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<p>The sooner they could get this test started, the sooner they could get this over
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with. Snape seemed to doubt for a moment but eventually, he raised his wand and aimed
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it at Harry.</p>
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<p>Harry wasn't even sure if Snape had spoken the word. He was more aware of that
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subtle tingle of Legilimency touching on his shields than any other impulse around
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him. The pain made him lash out with his own mind but Snape seemed to be expecting it
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and slipped past.</p>
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<p>Harry hissed when another stabbing pain coursed through his stomach. It was enough
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to break his concentration and allow the memory to envelop him full force. And
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suddenly, he was that young boy again, climbing the stairs of that old apartment
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building. There was nothing he wanted more than to die and today he would fulfil that
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goal.</p>
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<p>"<em>Harry</em>," A voice called out to him, "<em>Remember. That's not you
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anymore</em>."</p>
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<p>Harry stopped climbing those stairs, looking around him. That's right. He was
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'Harry' to someone. He was not 'freak' and he was not 'boy'.</p>
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<p>Harry took a few more steps. Something was still pulling him upwards. "I don't
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want this," he said, "I don't want any of this."</p>
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<p>"<em>Block it, Harry</em>," the voice urged him, "<em>I know you can do it. You've
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done it before. I have faith in you.</em>"</p>
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<p>Everything hurt. Harry was in so much pain. What had caused that again? Vernon
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hadn't touched his stomach in over a week. A shard of a memory penetrated his mind.
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That's right. He had drunk that potion. That had caused the pain. He was practising
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Occlumency with Snape. With his father. He had a father now.</p>
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<p>Harry shook his head, dislodging his consciousness from the memory and freed
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himself somewhat from the potion's effects.</p>
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<p>"<em>There you go,"</em> Snape said gently.</p>
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<p>Harry distanced himself from the feelings of hopelessness and grief as he watched
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that familiar mist swirl all around him. He remembered what he had felt Snape do when
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he had been in his memory and tried his best to copy his actions. He willed the mist
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to solidify and bend as he wished. Time seemed to stop altogether in the memory as
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the colour faded. And then, Snape's presence was gone entirely.</p>
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<p>While that had been his goal, Harry suddenly felt very lost. He missed the
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invading presence and almost willed it to come back. But he reminded himself of his
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goal and steeled his resolve. He closed off the memory and banished it to the back of
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his mind.</p>
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<p>He imagined himself sitting in that sterile white room Snape had drawn him into a
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couple of times and suddenly he was there. Alone this time. He sighed in relief
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nonetheless. In this place, there were no unresolved emotions. In here no one was
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dying; there were no abusive Dursleys or evil Dark Lords. Even the physical pain he
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knew he was still experiencing couldn't reach him here. Somewhere outside, he was
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vaguely aware of someone trying to break through his shields once more but he found
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himself not caring anymore.</p>
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<p>He imagined himself a crimson couch with large, fluffy pillows and lay down in it,
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waiting calmly for the potion to wear off.</p>
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<p>Snape was decidedly pleased when Harry had been able to push him out of his mind.
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Even if he had tried to hold on tight, he wouldn't have been able to stay in the
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boy's head and so he found himself back in the chair behind his desk, looking at
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Harry. The boy's eyes seemed to look right through him as if he were in a deep
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meditative state. Even the pain he should be experiencing didn't deter the boy in the
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slightest.</p>
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<p>"Alright," Snape said, "Let's see if you can keep me out this time."</p>
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<p>There was no reaction from Harry. A good sign. Snape cast the spell and tried to
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invade. But where the shields stood on a shaky foundation before, they were now
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embedded into the walls of what seemed to be a fortress. Its gate was shut and
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impenetrable. Snape poked and prodded, trying to find a weakness somewhere. But
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eventually, he had to concede that there was no way for him to get in there
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again.</p>
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<p>He stopped trying and regarded Harry carefully. He had withdrawn into himself.
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Normally, this would be quite excessive for simply keeping an invading presence out
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but while the potion was still in his system, this was probably the boy's best
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defence. Snape just hoped that Harry would be able to detect when it was time to
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allow himself his normal presence of mind again. For now, he grabbed the book he had
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been reading before and flipped it open again, refocusing his attention on the
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deciphering of ancient codes.</p>
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<p>Harry had imagined himself a clock but it didn't do him any good. Its hands were
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spinning rapidly and chaotically. Sometimes they moved forward and other times they
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went back. They stopped randomly but conveyed no coherent message so Harry just
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removed it again with a wave of his hand. The books he had conjured for himself were
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empty. He was only able to fill the pages with information he already knew which was
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logical but also useless.</p>
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<p>How much time had passed by now? Harry knew that it took an hour before the potion
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would wear off but it was impossible for him to tell time in here. He knew Snape had
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told him that time seemed to move differently in one's mind and wondered how he would
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know when to pull back out. The last time, Snape had somehow been aware of exactly
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when the potion had worn off.</p>
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<p>A couple of times already, he had felt the push of a Legilimens, trying to make
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his way in, but Harry had diligently disallowed all access as was expected of him. No
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doubt, Snape was testing him. It was only after he felt someone unfamiliar try to
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make their way in that he gathered something might be wrong. Until then, he hadn't
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even realized that different people might feel dissimilar when trying to make their
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way in. It was a startling discovery. Who was doing this?</p>
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<p>He felt the push again and decided that it was probably time anyway. He withdrew
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from his chamber of serenity and allowed his mind to get back in touch with his
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emotions and memories. He blinked a few times and refocused his attention only to
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find both Snape and Dumbledore sitting in front of him.</p>
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<p>"Harry!" Snape exclaimed. The happiness that oozed from his voice confused Harry
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profoundly. Dumbledore seemed equally relieved.</p>
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<p>"Oops," Harry uttered, "Did I lose track of time?"</p>
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<p>Dumbledore chuckled. "I should say so," he said, "You were gone for nearly five
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hours."</p>
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<p>"You're kidding!" Harry said, jumping up. It was only then that he noticed that
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his legs were asleep so he came crashing back down in his chair. "I wasn't even sure
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if an hour had passed or not," Harry added.</p>
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<p>Snape groaned. "I didn't think you would close yourself off," he said, "Otherwise
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I would have agreed on a signal with you."</p>
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<p>"I'm sorry," Harry said, "I really didn't mean to worry you."</p>
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<p>"What made you decide to come out again?" Dumbledore asked kindly.</p>
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<p>"When you tried to break my shields, I knew it wasn't' dad's presence," Harry said
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honestly. He didn't notice the twinkling in Dumbledore's eyes increase in ferocity.
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"I didn't recognise you so I thought something was wrong."</p>
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<p>"Foolish child," Snape said but Harry recognised the fondness in his voice.</p>
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<p>"I'm sorry," he said again, "I honestly didn't realize."</p>
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<p>"Well, it would appear that you've made some fantastic progress today, my boy,"
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Dumbledore praised proudly, "It would appear to me that you're nearly there."</p>
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<p>Snape sighed. "I can't use that potion again though."</p>
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<p>"Why not?" Harry asked, "In the end, it wasn't so bad."</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled. "No, because you withdrew into yourself. In any case, the toxicity
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in the undiluted version hasn't left your body yet and won't for a while. Giving you
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another dose might cause you permanent damage."</p>
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<p>"I daresay you won't need it anymore anyway," Dumbledore said. He put a comforting
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hand on Snape's shoulder and smiled at him. "I suggest you and Harry eat something.
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You must both be positively famished."</p>
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<p>"I'm just very thirsty," Harry suddenly noted.</p>
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<p>"Another side effect of the potion," Snape said evenly, already pouring Harry a
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glass of water. He handed it to his son and turned his attention to Dumbledore.
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"Thank you for the assistance, Albus. I'll make sure to educate Harry on the use of
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exclusion."</p>
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<p>"I know you will, Severus," Dumbledore said knowingly, "Should you need me, you
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know where to find me. Good night to you both."</p>
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<p>"Good night," Snape replied but Harry was still gulping down the glass of water
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and soon Dumbledore had disappeared through the floo.</p>
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<p>Snape summoned a house-elf and ordered dinner for both of them before directing
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his attention to Harry.</p>
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<p>"You gave me quite the scare, you know," he said.</p>
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<p>"It was only for a few hours," Harry replied, "I'm fine."</p>
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<p>Snape groaned. "I know you're <em>fine</em>, Harry. I just wasn't sure if you knew
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how to restore the connection to your mind by yourself and I couldn't get in to show
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you."</p>
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<p>"I hope you're not saying I'm <em>too</em> good at Occlumency now," Harry sighed.
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Food appeared on Snape's desk and Harry felt his mouth water. He hadn't even noticed
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that he had become hungry.</p>
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<p>Snape rolled his eyes. "Of course not," he said, "You simply need more
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information. You clearly didn't tether yourself to your mind when you disconnected
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yourself."</p>
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<p>"What?" Harry asked, holding his hand in front of his mouth to keep Snape from
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seeing the chewed up food inside.</p>
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<p>"Charming," Snape sneered. He cut into his own food and waited a bit.</p>
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<p>"A tether," he finally said, "binds you to your mind when you retreat as you did.
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You can use it to check on the mind you're occupying which is usually your own."</p>
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<p>"Oh," Harry replied, "And how do I create that tether?"</p>
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<p>"You form it the same way you formed those shields, "Snape said easily, "Once you
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know it's supposed to be there, it's easy to create."</p>
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<p>"Can I practice it?" Harry asked.</p>
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<p>"Perhaps next time," Snape replied, "It's getting to be very late and I'm
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exhausted."</p>
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<p>Harry grinned. "Can't imagine why."</p>
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<p>Snape shot him a devastating glare but Harry smiled cheekily.</p>
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<p>"I will admit that you made tremendous progress tonight though," Snape said
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coldly, dabbing his mouth with a napkin.</p>
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<p>"Does that mean what I think it means?" Harry said hopefully.</p>
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<p>"Soon," Snape said, "Very soon."</p>
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<p>Harry sighed contently, tearing off another piece of bread. "That's great," he
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said, "I can't wa-" he stifled a yawn, "- wait."</p>
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<p>"Finish your food, Harry," Snape said softly, "You need to go to sleep soon. It's
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still a school night."</p>
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<p>Harry chuckled. "Yes," he said tiredly, "Sleep does sound good. Can I stay here
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tonight?"</p>
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<p>Snape rolled his eyes but didn't argue. "Alright," he said, "Just don't make a
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habit out of it. Your friends would have my hide if you do."</p>
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<p>Harry nodded, unsuccessfully trying to pierce a pea with his fork. He felt himself
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nodding off already and was barely able to stop himself from falling asleep into his
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plate.</p>
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<p>Snape sighed as he watched the unbecoming display. "Go to bed, Harry," he said,
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"You can eat more at breakfast tomorrow." If the Potions Master was entirely honest
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with himself, he too felt about ready to collapse. He vanished the plates of food
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that had barely been touched.</p>
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<p>"Okay," Harry murmured, "I'll sleep right here." He put his head on his arms,
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falling asleep right then and there on the desk.</p>
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<p>Snape regarded his exhausted child wistfully and brushed his fringe out of his
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face, his touch soft and caring. "You'll be the death of me, child," he whispered
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fondly before tiredly running a hand through his own hair. Steeling himself, he got
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to his feet and lifted Harry out of the chair by means of a hover charm. With his
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wand out, he floated Harry over to his bed, drawing back the blankets before lowering
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Harry onto the mattress. With another wave of his wand, he transfigured Harry's
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clothes into nightwear.</p>
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<p>Snape pulled the blankets up to Harry's chin and watched as he snuggled into his
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pillow. When asleep, the boy still looked so much younger than he actually was. Snape
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felt a pang of sorrow knowing how many years in the boy's life he had squandered by
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being distant and cruel. And so many more years were wasted that he didn't even know
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the child. If only Lily could have loved him back. In a different world – a better
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world – Harry could have been his from the start.</p>
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<p>With a silent sigh, Snape turned off the light; cast one last glance Harry's way
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and closed the door ever so softly, leaving the boy to his dreams.</p>
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<hr size="1" noshade="noshade"/>
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<p>Harry awoke the next morning to the smell of breakfast and wondered for a moment
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if Ron had snuck food into the tower for him. He suddenly started as he remembered
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where he was, sitting upright in his bed. He glanced around and shook his head at
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himself when he realized he was in Snape's chambers again. He didn't even remember
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getting to bed.</p>
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<p>He glanced down and saw that he was wearing black nightwear that was most
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certainly not his style. Yup. Snape had definitely tucked him in. And yet, he wasn't
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as mortified by that as he once had been. He stretched his arms, groaning as he did
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and got out of bed and out of the room.</p>
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<p>He found Snape reading the paper while he was drinking a cup of coffee. A small
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assortment of breakfast foods littered the table but Snape wasn't eating yet.</p>
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<p>"We simply have to stop meeting like this," Harry joked. Snape peered from behind
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his paper and gave Harry an appraising look. When he seemed satisfied he smirked and
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gestured towards the chair next to him.</p>
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<p>"Since you made yourself at home already, why don't you help yourself to some food
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as well," he said.</p>
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<p>"You didn't <em>have</em> to let me stay here, you know," Harry said cheerfully as
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he cut open a roll.</p>
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<p>"What could I do when you practically begged me to?" Snape said evenly, "And then
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you fell asleep on my desk. You were practically purring like a kitten."</p>
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<p>"I was not," Harry objected though not as vehemently as he once would have. "You
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just didn't want me to leave. In fact, you would probably move me here permanently if
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you could find a good excuse."</p>
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<p>Snape snorted. "And have a messy Gryffindor disturb my peaceful mornings?" he
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asked sardonically, "Where do I sign up?"</p>
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<p>"You call <em>me</em> messy?" Harry asked, "You can't even keep your bookshelves
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in order."</p>
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<p>"What?" Snape asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.</p>
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<p>Harry peered at the misbehaving bookshelf. "Honestly, putting '<em>Moste Potente
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Potions'</em> in the middle of those Herbology books seems off, doesn't it?"</p>
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<p>Snape followed Harry's gaze and muttered in annoyance under his breath as he got
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up to fix the discrepancy. Harry smiled knowingly, stealing the newspaper to see if
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anything of import happened.</p>
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<p>There were more muggle killings and disappearances happening. Nothing near
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Hermione's family just yet though.</p>
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<p>"Who do you think is doing this?" Harry asked when Snape took his seat again.</p>
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<p>"I have my suspicions," Snape said, "But I will not be sharing those with
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you."</p>
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<p>"Why not?" Harry whined childishly.</p>
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<p>Snape frowned at him. "Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?"</p>
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<p>Harry sneered and took a bite out of his sandwich. "Keeping secrets from me never
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works, you know," he said cleverly, "I always find out one way or another. And
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without the proper context, I might do something you might consider to be
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dangerous."</p>
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<p>"You are incorrigible sometimes, do you know that?" Snape asked in mock anger,
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"How many Death Eaters do you need to defeat before you're satisfied?"</p>
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<p>"All but one," Harry replied easily, winking at Snape cheekily.</p>
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<p>"If you're not careful, I'll recruit Ms Granger to keep an eye on you," Snape
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said, "Tell her to let me know whenever you put a toe out of line."</p>
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<p>Harry snorted. "Like she would listen."</p>
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<p>"Perhaps not entirely," Snape replied casually, "But I have my ways."</p>
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<p>"Are you implying you would Legilimise her?" Harry asked easily, "Because I don't
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believe it for one second."</p>
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<p>"When did I stop instilling fear in you?" Snape growled.</p>
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<p>"I think Alex had a lot to do with that," Harry smiled fondly.</p>
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<p>"Meddling muggle," Snape muttered, "Now finish your breakfast. Classes are almost
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starting."</p>
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<p>Harry responded by rapidly stuffing himself with the scrambled eggs he had piled
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onto his plate. Snape rolled his eyes and went back to reading his newspaper,
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scanning the page that reported an increase in muggles admitted to St. Mungo's.</p>
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<p>It would seem that even with the Dark Lord gone, dark activity was still happening
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all around them. With a sigh, he finished his breakfast.</p>
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