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<div class="chap-title">
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34. Chapter 34
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</div>
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<div class="chap-text">
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<p><em>It's nice to see how anticipated this chapter is. I hope it's worth the small
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wait. For those interested, I suggest listening to <strong>River flows in
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you</strong> by <strong>Yiruma</strong>. There's a longer version on youtube. It's
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what I listened to while writing this and I think it fits.</em></p>
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<hr size="1" noshade="noshade"/>
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<p class='c1'><strong>Chapter 34</strong></p>
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<p>Snape whirled around to come face to face with Lily Evans. Or rather, Lily Potter.
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Her brilliantly green eyes seemed to shimmer with happiness as she looked at him. Her
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long red hair framed her face oh so very perfectly and the smile that graced her lips
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was the most beautiful thing Snape had ever seen.</p>
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<p>"Lily," Snape said breathlessly. "Is it really you?"</p>
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<p>"In the flesh," Lily said brightly. "Well, on second thought that's not really
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true is it?"</p>
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<p>Lily grinned as Snape stood stammering. "You can laugh now," Lily teased. "That
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was funny."</p>
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<p>"You look exactly the same as you did when I last saw you," Snape said
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reverently.</p>
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<p>"Ah yes," Lily said knowingly. "It's one of the benefits of dying young. You'll
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look forever beautiful. Not very good for the skin, though."</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled wryly. "I can't believe this worked," he said.</p>
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<p>"Did you have so little faith in my son, Sev?" Lily asked. "I've been told that he
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learned from the best."</p>
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<p>"I know what he was doing," Snape said. "And I know what he was trying to
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accomplish but I dared not hope."</p>
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<p>Lily regarded him sadly. "Come with me," she said. "Let's go to our usual
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spot."</p>
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<p>"Our usual spot is gone," Snape said. "It was destroyed many years ago."</p>
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<p>"You forget the power of our memories," Lily said easily. "I know that I can find
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it. You just need to follow."</p>
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<p>Lily took Snape's hand in his. Her touch was warm. There was no cold sensation
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accompanying it as Harry had described before. Snape squeezed gently, never wanting
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to let go again. She led him past the river, ducking under branches and past
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shrubberies that Snape knew were no longer there. Eventually, Lily let go of Snape's
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hand to duck and crawl underneath a hedge of particularly thick bushes. Snape
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followed only to end up in a familiar clearing. One that hadn't been around for many
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a year but was remembered fondly nonetheless.</p>
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<p>It was small but it was theirs. Theirs alone. Not even Petunia had known about
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this clearing.</p>
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<p>"Sit with me," Lily invited as she patted the grass next to her. Snape sat down,
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noticing the warmth Lily exuded as he sat so very close to her.</p>
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<p>"I do believe we have many things to talk about," Lily said. "Which is why we
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asked Harry to allow you this potion."</p>
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<p>"You asked him to?" Snape said.</p>
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<p>Lily smiled. "We were around," she said, "as we always are. And we guided him
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throughout the process."</p>
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<p>"<em>That's</em> why the potion appeared sentient," Snape said.</p>
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<p>"We merely gave him a small nudge," Lily explained. "And none of the spirits he
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tried to contact were malicious. We just feel that we know better than the living who
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needs to talk to us. After all, we see more of what goes on in your minds than you
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do."</p>
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<p>"And you thought I needed to talk to you more than Harry did?" Snape asked
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incredulously.</p>
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<p>"Harry has come a very long way," Lily said fondly. "His life has been coated in
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darkness for a long time. But since you took him in and saw him for what he really
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is, light has been the dominant factor in his life. Unfortunately, the same can't be
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said for you."</p>
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<p>"He deserves to be happy," Snape said.</p>
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<p>"So do you!" Lily exclaimed. "Even if you don't think that's true."</p>
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<p>"You died because of me," Snape said sullenly as he leaned back. "All because of
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that ridiculous prophecy. And even when I knew the Dark Lord was after you, I
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couldn't protect you."</p>
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<p>"None of us could have known that Peter would betray us," Lily said soothingly.
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She wrapped an arm around Snape's waist and put her head on his shoulder.</p>
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<p>"I should have –"</p>
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<p>"Shoulda coulda woulda," Lily chided, "I will not allow you to wallow in self-pity
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any longer. If I – Lily Evans – don't deem you responsible for the death of Lily
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Evans, then by Merlin, you are not responsible for the death of Lily Evans!"</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled as he relished the weight of Lily's head on his shoulder. He
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desperately wanted to embrace her but didn't think it appropriate to do so.</p>
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<p>"I need to thank you, really," Lily said in a softer tone. "You took in Harry when
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he needed you most. James and I are very grateful to you for that."</p>
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<p>Snape snorted. "Unlikely," he said.</p>
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<p>"I swear!" Lily said in indignation. "Cross my heart and hope to die."</p>
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<p>Snape groaned painfully.</p>
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<p>"Okay," Lily chuckled, "No more death jokes. I'm sorry. But it's true, you know? I
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know that you and James didn't see eye to eye when you were younger but he grew up.
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And I know you did, as well."</p>
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<p>"Did I?" Snape asked. "I tormented your son for years, simply because James was
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his father."</p>
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<p>Lily let Snape go and shot him an exasperated look. "I know what you're doing, you
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know," she said smartly. "You're trying to convince me that I should be upset with
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you so you can keep telling yourself that you deserve all the bad things that happen
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to you."</p>
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<p>"That is absurd," Snape growled, tugging at some grass beneath his closed
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fist.</p>
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<p>"Yes, it is," Lily said knowingly. "So knock it off. You made Harry the happiest
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he's been since he was left on my sister's doorstep. And sure, you have your faults
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as does everyone. But I assure you that we have forgiven you."</p>
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<p>"Does that include the mutt?" Snape asked sardonically.</p>
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<p>Lily laughed. It was a wonderful sound and Snape never wanted to part with it
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again.</p>
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<p>"I'll admit that he was less than happy when he found out that you took Harry in,"
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Lily said in a conspiring tone of voice. "But that had more to do with jealousy than
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anything else."</p>
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<p>Snape raised a sardonic eyebrow. Lily laughed again, picked some blades of grass
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and dropped them on top of Snape's head. "Okay fine," she conceded. "Sirius still
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doesn't like you but you can't be everyone's friend."</p>
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<p>"I only wanted to be yours," Snape sighed and stared at a beetle scurrying around
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in front of him. "I never cared about anyone else."</p>
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<p>Lily looked at him sadly. "I know," she said. She placed a warm hand on Snape's
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cheek and forced him to look at her. When obsidian met emerald, Snape's heart nearly
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stopped. He so desperately wanted to stay here forever. To be with her.</p>
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<p>"I miss you," he said. "The feeling never goes away. I dream of your laughter, of
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your hand in mine. I dream of what I wish could have been."</p>
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<p>Lily sighed as she placed a comforting hand on Snape's knee. "It does not become
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you to remain stuck in the past," she said.</p>
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<p>"I just can't stop wondering," Snape said grimly. He placed his hand on top of
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Lily's and looked at her. Merlin, she looked so real. So alive. She felt so warm and
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she smelled of that bottle of perfume he once brewed her.</p>
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<p>"Wondering what?" Lily asked, smiling knowingly.</p>
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<p>"Had I never called you… that and more importantly, had I never joined the death
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eaters, would we –" he swallowed thickly as he did his best to gather his courage.
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Lily simply smiled at him reassuringly, clenching his knee just a bit tighter. "Would
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we have had a chance?"</p>
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<p>"Is that really something you would like to know?" Lily asked.</p>
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<p>"It is," Snape said. "Not knowing is the worst of it. And I'm not sure if I'll get
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another chance after this."</p>
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<p>Lily regarded him carefully for a moment, then playfully swept her hair back. She
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used to do that a lot, Snape remembered. "</p>
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<p>"I loved you," Lily said simply. Honestly. "And had our cards been dealt
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differently, I'm sure that I would have ended up with you rather than with James. But
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in this lifetime, it was not meant to be."</p>
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<p>Snape grimaced painfully. "So it was truly all my own fault," he said. "Had I not
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been so stupid, you would've –"</p>
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<p>Lily placed her index finger on Snape's lips to stop him from talking.</p>
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<p>"It's impossible to know what might have been," Lily told him. "And speculation of
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the past is the worst enemy of the future. I need you to move past all of this."</p>
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<p>"But how could I ever move past you?" Snape asked desperately. "You are everything
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to me!"</p>
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<p>"My dear, darling Severus," Lily said kindly. "You have moved heaven and earth to
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do right by me and eventually by Harry. You have done all that you can for me. And
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now, there is only one more thing I desperately want you to do for me."</p>
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<p>"Anything," Snape breathed.</p>
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<p>"Do you promise you will do your best to fulfil my request?"</p>
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<p>"I swear it," Snape said.</p>
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<p>Lily smiled as she pressed her forehead against Snape's. "I want you to let me go,
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dear friend." She said. "Unpause your life for me."</p>
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<p>She wrapped her arms around Snape's neck and embraced him lovingly. "You deserve
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all good things that are coming to you. And I forbid you from sabotaging yourself any
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longer. Do you hear me?"</p>
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<p>"I hear you," Snape said softly. He hesitantly reciprocated the embrace.</p>
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<p>"I'll haunt you if you do," Lily said fondly. "I don't know how that would work,
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but I'll find out."</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled. "I'm sure you would," he said. "You've always been exceptionally
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clever."</p>
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<p>"Clever girls do seem to be your type," Lily said. She drew back and winked at
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Snape. "So, tell me about this Maya."</p>
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<p>"There's nothing to tell," Snape said.</p>
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<p>"Come now," Lily teased, "I know she kissed you and I know very well how that made
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you feel."</p>
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<p>"Regardless, she is not you," Snape pointed out.</p>
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<p>"No, she's not," Lily agreed, "<em>I</em> am me, and she is her." She sighed and
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tousled Snape's hair. "It's really not fair to compare the living to the dead you
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know. The dead don't make mistakes."</p>
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<p>"She's just a friend," Snape insisted.</p>
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<p>"A fried you like to get a bit drunk with," Lily giggled. "A friend that was all
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over you last Christmas."</p>
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<p>"It appears you and your son share the same confusion about what inebriation does
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to people," Snape said sardonically.</p>
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<p>"Oh come on!" Lily huffed, "It's not like I'm going to tell anyone your secrets.
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Just admit that you like her already." She stretched out her arms and fell backwards
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to lay in the damp grass.</p>
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<p>Snape joined her and stared up at the clouds. One floated past that looked
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suspiciously like a Snallygaster. Snape snorted in amusement and rolled his eyes.</p>
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<p>A long but comfortable silence stretched between the two of them when Snape spoke
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again.</p>
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<p>"I'll admit," he said slowly, "that I do sense some form of attraction towards
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her." He felt almost ashamed to admit this to Lily.</p>
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<p>Lily snorted before breaking down into giggles. "Some form of attraction?" she
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asked as she slapped Snape playfully on the shoulder. "Would it really be that much
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harder to just say that you like her?"</p>
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<p>Snape sighed exasperatedly. "Fine," he snarled. "I like her!"</p>
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<p>"Yes!" Lily exclaimed victoriously. "Sirius owes me ten galleons!"</p>
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<p>Snape turned his head to look at the redhead incredulously. "I don't know what
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matter to address first," he said. "The fact that you made a bet with the mutt
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concerning my interests or that you seem to still be using currency."</p>
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<p>"We don't," Lily said, "But it's still fun to bet. And we have to do
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<em>something</em> around here!"</p>
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<p>"Yes," Snape agreed. "We wouldn't want you to go out and haunt people."</p>
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<p>"What do you like about her?" Lily asked.</p>
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<p>"Lil!" Snape exclaimed, "I really don't feel comfortable getting into this right
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now."</p>
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<p>Lily snorted. "For one, she is hot!" she said, counting on her fingers.</p>
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<p>Snape stared at her wide-eyed. "That is –"</p>
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<p>"What?" Lily interrupted, "Not at all what you're interested in? Please, you're a
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man. Don't forget that I've seen what's in your mind."</p>
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<p>"Who knew that it would take <em>death</em> for you to learn Legilimency," Snape
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chuckled.</p>
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<p>Lily grinned broadly in return. "Was that a <em>joke</em>, Severus Snape?" she
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asked. "Surely, hell has frozen over. Perhaps I should go check."</p>
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<p>Snape couldn't help it. The comment wasn't even all that funny but combined with
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the close proximity of his oldest friend made him erupt into laughter. It was loud
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and inelegant and soon Lily joined him, the occasional snort from either one of them
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interrupting the mad chuckles.</p>
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<p>"Thank you, Lily," Snape said when he had calmed down.</p>
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<p>"Whatever for?" Lily asked.</p>
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<p>"For seeing me one last time," Snape replied. "You were right. I was stuck in the
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past."</p>
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<p>"And now?" Lily asked as she absentmindedly placed a hand on Snape's upper
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arm.</p>
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<p>"Now," Snape said solemnly, "I will do my best to honour your last request."</p>
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<p>Lily smiled warmly at him. "I knew I could count on you."</p>
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<p>Snape felt the sensation at the back of his mind that told him it was time to go.
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It was what Harry had warned him about, and he knew better than to deny that urge
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lest he get stuck here forever.</p>
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<p>"It would appear that I have to go," Snape told Lily. He was surprised to find
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that he was rather okay with it.</p>
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<p>"I know," Lily said. "Go on then. And remember your promise." In a most tender
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moment, she grabbed Snape's hand in hers and kissed it fondly. "I love you,
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Severus."</p>
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<p>Snape smiled and squeezed Lily's hand one last time as he gazed into those emerald
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green eyes.</p>
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<p>"I love you too," he said and a moment later, he was expelled from Spinner's End.
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His eyes fluttered open as he took in the scene that was the potions lab. A sense of
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calm overtook him that he had not known in a long time and emerald eyes met him once
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more.</p>
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<p>"How are you feeling, dad?" Harry asked.</p>
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<p>Snape smiled. "Never better."</p>
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<hr size="1" noshade="noshade"/>
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<p>Snape hadn't actually divulged much to Harry about his conversation with Lily. He
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didn't think it necessary for the boy to know. But he had been over the moon when
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Snape had told him that the potion was an absolute success and had started taking
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notes at a furious pace, not even noticing when Snape had retreated to his
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chambers.</p>
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<p>And now he was pacing his sitting rooms, not sure what he was supposed to do from
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here on out. He could almost hear Lily's voice egging him on. <em>Come on Sev, you
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can do it!</em></p>
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<p>Snape growled at the imaginary voice and continued his pacing. If he was going to
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do this, he had to do it right. But how should he best approach this? Should he visit
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Maya in her quarters later that evening, explaining that he had somehow seen the
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light? Snape huffed at himself for the ridiculous thought and shook his head.</p>
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<p>Perhaps he could change the signage he had placed around Hogwarts to direct her to
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his personal chambers only to act all surprised when she arrived there? What madness!
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He had never done anything of the sort and didn't have the foggiest idea on how to
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proceed. He had nearly thrown a throw pillow – which he had been tearing at for a
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while - into the fire to alleviate some of his distress when the door opened.</p>
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<p>"What are you doing?" Harry asked as he eyed the abused pillow in Snape's
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hands.</p>
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<p>With a huff, Snape threw the pillow back in its place and crossed his arms. "I'm
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thinking," he said.</p>
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<p>"Okay," Harry said slowly. He walked around Snape and dropped himself onto the
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couch, watching with interest how Snape resumed his pacing.</p>
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<p>"What are you thinking about?" he asked, grabbing one of the biscuits that had
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been left on the table.</p>
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<p>"Things," Snape replied curtly.</p>
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<p>Harry rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I can't help you if you give replies like that." He
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moved his legs onto the couch and lay flat on his back, tucking his arms under his
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head.</p>
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<p>"I assure you that this does not concern you," Snape snarled.</p>
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<p>Harry chuckled. "What did mum say that has you so frazzled?" he asked.</p>
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<p>"Plenty of things," Snape said through gritted teeth. He really didn't want to get
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into this with the boy right now.</p>
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<p>Harry pointed his wand at the ceiling and conjured a small green light that he
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made dance across the cement. "And the most disconcerting thing was…"</p>
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<p>"Maya," Snape spat.</p>
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<p>Harry dropped his wand. "What?" he asked. "How did that come up?"</p>
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<p>"Believe it or not, but your mother asked me about her out of the blue," Snape
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said. "Which is so like her when I think about it."</p>
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<p>Harry smirked and flipped himself onto his stomach. "And what did she have to say
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about that?" he asked. "Does she want you to snog Maya? She does, doesn't she?"</p>
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<p>The pointed glare Snape sent Harry's way was apparently enough of an indication.
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Harry laughed and threw the already abused throw pillow against Snape's pacing form.
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"I knew it!" he exclaimed. "But why does that have you so worked up?"</p>
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<p>Snape flicked his eyes skyward in exasperation and stopped pacing. "Because I
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don't have the slightest idea on how to handle this," he told Harry. "I already
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turned her down. I can't very well waltz up to her and tell her 'Just kidding'!"</p>
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<p>The amusement with which Harry regarded Snape at that moment was nothing short of
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infuriating but when the brat opened his mouth to speak, it only got worse.</p>
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<p>"Well," he said, "since I've already gotten two girlfriends this year, maybe
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<em>you</em> would do well to take <em>my</em> advice."</p>
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<p>"Very cheeky," Snape growled, "And what – pray tell – would… hold on, <em>two</em>
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girlfriends?"</p>
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<p>"Later," Harry said dismissively. "For now, I would advise you to act less like a
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Slytherin and more like a Gryffindor."</p>
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<p>"A Gryffindor?" Snape repeated with barely disguised disgust.</p>
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<p>"A Gryffindor," Harry said confidently.</p>
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<p>This got Snape pacing again as Harry leaned back into the cushions, regarding
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Snape with far too much amusement.</p>
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<p>'<em>Gryffindor</em>,' Snape thought. '<em>Courage, bravery, nerve and
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chivalry'</em>. He repeated that line a couple of times in his head and added
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<em>impetuosity</em> for good measure. Perhaps not an official house value but
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certainly one that was present among most Gryffindors. '<em>And when did that brat
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get another girlfriend? Focus, Severus</em>!'</p>
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<p>"Gryffindor," Snape suddenly exclaimed aloud. "I understand." And before Harry
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could say another word, he threw open his door and stalked away in a hurried
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pace.</p>
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<p>He was vaguely aware of Harry hurrying after him but ignored him. Right now, he
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was a man on a mission.</p>
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<p>"Severus," Harry said as he jogged after Snape. "What are you doing?"</p>
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<p>"I'm playing Quidditch," Snape replied sardonically. "What does it look like I'm
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doing?"</p>
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<p>"I don't know," Harry said exasperatedly. "You look like someone who is hurrying
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into a precarious situation without a plan!"</p>
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<p>Snape smirked. "Think like a Gryffindor, you said."</p>
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<p>"That's not at all what I meant!" Harry called out. But Snape ignored him. The
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seed had been sown and now he would make sure to bloom his plan – for he did have
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one, however last-minute – into fruition.</p>
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<p>If Snape had gotten the time right, dinner would be in session at the moment so he
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would no doubt find Maya sitting in the great hall. Harry seemed to understand the
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same thing and suddenly hurried off as if he were trying to get there ahead of Snape.
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What he thought <em>that</em> might accomplish, Snape could only guess.</p>
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<p>And then he was met with the doors of the great hall that were wide open to
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welcome any dinner guests. Without hesitation, he walked inside and saw that Harry
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had joined his friends at the Gryffindor table. As he stalked past, he heard his son
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mutter to his friends. " -Absolutely bonkers! I told him to act like a Gryffindor and
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he went all –"</p>
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<p>Maya had not yet taken her seat at the high table. A Ravenclaw student was talking
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animatedly to her as she showed off a much too long essay. Snape schooled his
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expression into a neutral one but he had to admit that even he felt nervous in the
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face of what he was about to do.</p>
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<p>Maya noticed him and straightened her back. She smiled warmly as Snape walked up
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to her, exuding confidence and determination.</p>
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<p>"Severus, here you –" she began but she couldn't say any more for Snape gave her
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no such opportunity. In one smooth motion, he closed the distance between the two of
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them and pulled Maya into a tight embrace as his lips connected to hers. For a
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moment, she tensed but then she relaxed and leaned into him, her hands finding
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support on his back.</p>
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<p>Snape became aware of the entire great hall falling silent but he didn't care. At
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that moment there was no time and there was no one else but him and Maya. They were
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nothing but two people finding solace in each other's presence and he knew that she –
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like him – did not want to let go.</p>
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<p>After what seemed to be an inappropriate amount of time, Snape pulled back, a sly
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grin on his face as he looked at a severely flustered Maya.</p>
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<p>"Severus," she breathed.</p>
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<p>"I was a fool, Maya," Snape said. There was a kindness in his voice that very few
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people in this hall had ever heard from him. "I'm yours if you'll still have me."</p>
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<p>Maya smiled broadly as she flung herself around his neck. "Of course I will!" she
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exclaimed.</p>
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<p>Instantly, a few people from the Gryffindor table started clapping, much to
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Snape's annoyance. He glared at Harry who sat there looking decidedly smug. More and
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more students followed Harry's example until the entire student body had erupted into
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loud applause, most of them standing up.</p>
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<p>Snape knew that he should feel mortification. But all he felt in that moment was
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an overwhelming happiness that he had not dared would ever be his again.</p>
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<hr size="1" noshade="noshade"/>
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<p>Oh my Goodness, this is the end of one of the archs. *Sniffle* It's a sad but
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happy occasion. This is the chapter I had in mind when I thought of TPM. This is what
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the most important part in my opinion because this is where Snape finally lets go of
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his anguish. But there's still so much more to come! Please do review and tell me
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what you thought!</p>
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