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<div class="chap-title">
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9. Chapter 9
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</div>
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<div class="chap-text">
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<p class='c1'><strong>Chapter 9</strong></p>
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<p>As Harry was gathering his things to get ready for his first Occlumency lesson in
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a long time, Ginny stopped him.</p>
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<p>"Hold up, you're going to practice with Snape again?" Ginny asked. The annoyance
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lacing her voice was evident enough for Harry to raise his eyes skyward in
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frustration.</p>
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<p>"You know that I'm working hard," Harry countered, "You know what I'm trying to
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achieve here. Being an apprentice is no joke and if I want to be able to brew my
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potion, I need to step up."</p>
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<p>"But you're already gone for most of the day," Ginny argued, "Even in the
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weekends, you're always busy. You rarely even come to Hogsmeade anymore and when you
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do, you shop in the apothecary for over an hour."</p>
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<p>"That's because their assortment isn't always the same," Harry sighed, trying his
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best to make his girlfriend understand, "So at times, I need to check their inventory
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again."</p>
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<p>"Do you even know how to have fun anymore?" Ginny asked, crossing her arms
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tightly.</p>
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<p>Harry sighed and brushed a stray lock of Ginny's hair out of her face, cupping her
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cheek tenderly as he did so. "I don't mean to make you feel this way," he said
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softly, "But I'll make it up to you. Meet me in the common room later, okay? Once I'm
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back from my Occlumency lesson."</p>
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<p>Ginny smiled and placed a hand over the one that still rested on her cheek.
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"Sounds good to me," she said, "but make sure to be there. I won't be responsible for
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my actions if you're not."</p>
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<p>"I'll be there," Harry said solemnly, "I'll miss you."</p>
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<p>"Yeah well don't miss me too much," Ginny said, "Or Snape might see some memories
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about you and me and I won't have that!" She winked flirtatiously and spun on her
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heel, her red hair swishing as she went.</p>
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<p>Harry just shook his head and quietly made his way down to the dungeons. He could
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understand that Ginny was unhappy about him spending all this time on his studies but
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he also felt like she should understand that he was passionate about this.</p>
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<p>By the time he arrived at the door of Snape's private quarters, his mind was
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completely befuddled by the mysteries of the female mind. He shook it off and
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knocked.</p>
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<p>"Come in," Snape called.</p>
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<p>When Harry walked in he noticed that Snape had pushed all of the furniture aside,
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leaving a nice and open area to practice Occlumency in. What he also noticed were a
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few bottles of a potion he didn't recognise. And since Harry was certain that he
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would be able to recognise most known potions by now, this did not bode well for
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him.</p>
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<p>"You realize the door is attuned to <em>your</em> magic as well, don't you?" Snape
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asked as he took one of the vials, "You don't need to knock every time. Especially
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when I'm already expecting you."</p>
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<p>Harry shrugged. "It just seems like the polite thing to do, really."</p>
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<p>Snape just motioned for Harry to sit by pointing to a spot on the floor. Harry
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complied easily.</p>
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<p>"As you are well aware, we will be revisiting your Occlumency training," Snape
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explained. "We left off at a rather difficult stage in your training too."</p>
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<p>"My emotions," Harry supplied.</p>
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<p>"Quite right," Snape said, sitting down in front of Harry, the vial of unknown
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potion held loosely between his long fingers.</p>
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<p>"The difficulty here is that you appear to have mastered the technical aspects of
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Occlumency entirely. I am unable to get to the memories you hide away – in fact, I
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still haven't found your hiding place for them – but once you get emotional about
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anything, your shields crack, and your memories come as if of their own
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volition."</p>
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<p>"Like with Voldemort," Harry pointed out.</p>
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<p>"Exactly so," Snape admitted in a low voice. "It worked out to our advantage that
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time but that won't work for the potion you have planned."</p>
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<p>"I'm still not sure how Occlumency is in any way related to my brewing that
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potion," Harry noted.</p>
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<p>"Sometimes you're as much of a dunderhead as your fellow Gryffindors are," Snape
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sighed, "It is obviously not necessary for the brewing process but it is essential
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for when you actually drink the blasted draught."</p>
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<p>It was as if a lightbulb was turned on in Harry's head. "I see," he said, "To
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counteract the combination of the honey mead and the monotropa uniflora."</p>
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<p>"Especially if you are indeed planning on adding the basilisk blood," Snape noted,
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"Which I know you are because you need its magic potency. What I do wonder though is
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how you are planning on getting it."</p>
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<p>"Well, there is a basilisk body simply waiting to be harvested underneath
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Hogwarts," Harry offered.</p>
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<p>Snape sneered and shook his head lightly. "A discussion for another time perhaps.
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We have strayed far from the point I originally wanted to make. When you get
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emotional, you can't perform Occlumency."</p>
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<p>"Right," Harry admitted begrudgingly, "Is that what the potion is for?"</p>
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<p>Snape sighed heavily and ran a hand through his long hair. "We need you to
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practice Occlumency while under great emotional distress," he explained, "Otherwise,
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these lessons are entirely useless. I assume you haven't heard about the '<em>Drink
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of Despair'</em>?"</p>
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<p>Harry shook his head. "No, but it doesn't sound good."</p>
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<p>"It's not," Snape agreed, "I was tasked with its creation while still under the
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Dark Lord's service. What he was planning on using it for, I'll never know since I've
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never actually seen him feed it to anyone but that's irrelevant"</p>
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<p>"Now it <em>definitely</em> doesn't sound good," Harry said, attempting to convey
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a joking tone but failing miserably.</p>
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<p>Snape glared at him pointedly before he went on. "In its undiluted form, this
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potion induces fear, delirium, severe stomach pain and brings forth the drinker's
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most intense and painful memories. When diluted – as I have done for this occasion –
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the effects are all still there but in a much more bearable capacity."</p>
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<p>Harry swallowed thickly, "You want me to drink this?"</p>
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<p>"If I'm being completely honest with you, Harry, no I don't," Snape said plainly,
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"If it was up to me, I would stop this foolishness entirely, cancel your occlumency
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lessons and have you work on a new idea for an entirely new potion that doesn't
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require you to get reacquainted with some of the most painful memories of your
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life."</p>
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<p>Snape frowned as he put a hand on Harry's shoulder, applying just a bit more force
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than necessary. "Say the word and we stop this. But if you wish to proceed with
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brewing your creation, we have no choice in the matter. This is the only way."</p>
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<p>The gaze that met Snape's after that held unmistakable courage and determination.
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Snape knew instantly that there was no getting around this. Harry would always be a
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Gryffindor. He would not back away from a challenge such as this.</p>
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<p>"I'll manage," Harry said, keeping his voice steady. He held out his hand in order
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to take the potion from Snape. The potions master reluctantly gave it to him.</p>
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<p>"Hand me your wand before you drink it," Snape said, "I won't have you attempting
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to hex me because you suddenly think me to be the Dark Lord."</p>
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<p>Harry didn't think that was particularly likely but he handed over his wand
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anyway.</p>
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<p>"Now I want you to clear your mind and raise your shields before you take the
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potion," Snape said as he tucked Harry's wand away next to his own.</p>
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<p>Harry nodded and closed his eyes. He discounted all emotions and hid his most
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embarrassing and painful memories under the invisibility cloak of his mind, as he'd
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done before. He nodded when he was done and felt Snape's probe with a nonverbal
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Legilimens to test him.</p>
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<p>"You're ready," Snape said, "Go ahead and drink the potion. Try to focus on
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keeping your shields up despite your emotions. Don't try to force them back because
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you won't be able to. Understand?"</p>
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<p>"I understand," Harry said and before he could change his mind, he downed the
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potion in three swallows.</p>
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<p>As soon as the potion was gone, Snape took the empty vial from Harry's hand and
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placed it on his desk. He then sat down in front of Harry, watching him intently.</p>
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<p>At first, Harry didn't really feel any different. He stared at Snape who was
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sitting silently in front of him and kept his shields up. For a moment, he wondered
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if Snape had done something wrong with the potion. Perhaps he diluted it a bit too
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much. But then, Harry was overcome with a wave of agony and despair so powerful, he
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was nearly knocked over by the sheer force of it.</p>
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<p>"Concentrate, Harry," Snape reminded him, "This is an exercise not in controlling
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your emotions but in focusing around them. Keep your shields up!"</p>
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<p><em>Harry was six. He was hiding. He didn't know what happened but when Dudley had
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pushed him again and again, Harry had gotten so very angry. And almost as if in
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resonance with his anger, the couch cushions had exploded, terrifying both children
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present. Harry didn't know what had happened but it wasn't his fault. His aunt and
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uncle hadn't shared this opinion though.</em></p>
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<p><em>It didn't take long for Uncle Vernon to reach the state in which he resembled
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a purple balloon, ready to burst. While aunt Petunia comforted Dudley, uncle Vernon
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took a few menacing steps towards Harry.</em></p>
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<p>"Focus Harry," came a familiar voice, "Raise your shields. You're not
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occluding."</p>
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<p>Harry blinked and for a moment, he could see Snape sitting in front of him, his
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demeanour relaxed but his eyes held a worried gaze.</p>
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<p>Right. He wasn't six. He was at Hogwarts and he was practising Occlumency. Now
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that he focused on it, he could feel Snape's presence in his mind. Somehow, he found
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this to be a reassuring anchor of sorts.</p>
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<p>With a flash, the memory resumed right where it left off, the myriad of emotions
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coupled with a dull throbbing pain in his stomach.</p>
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<p>"<em>Freak!" Vernon bellowed as he got closer to Harry. Harry scrambled up the
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stairs, not sure where he was planning to go.</em></p>
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<p>"<em>You dare!" Vernon roared, "You dare attack Dudley like this! You dare
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disrespect us in our own home!" Harry kept glancing over his shoulder to see the fat
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man approaching fast. Without thinking, he slipped into the master bedroom and ducked
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under the bed.</em></p>
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<p>"Harry, listen to me," a soothing voice said, "This isn't real. This is all in the
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past. Clear your mind."</p>
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<p><em>Only a moment later, Vernon stormed through the door, his heavy footsteps
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halting for a moment.</em></p>
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<p>"<em>I've had enough of your freakiness, boy," he growled menacingly, "But I will
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teach you –" He took a few steps toward the bed and Harry held his breath, his small
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hands clasped over his mouth to stop any sound from emerging. Fear quickly overtook
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him.</em></p>
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<p>"Listen to the sound of my voice, Harry," that same soothing voice said, "You are
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safe now. Your uncle has been dealt with. You need to raise your shields."</p>
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<p>"<em>I will teach you not to mess with normal people!"</em></p>
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<p><em>Faster than Harry had thought Vernon could move, the raging man ducked to the
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floor and peered under the bed. A malicious smirk split his face in two when his
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beady eyes locked onto Harry's. Harry screamed through the hands he still had clasped
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over his mouth, backing up to the far wall to avoid Vernon's grubby hands. But the
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man got a hold of Harry's pants leg and reflexively, Harry kicked.</em></p>
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<p><em>As soon as his foot connected with Vernon's arm – however light the attack
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might have been – Harry knew he was in big trouble. Vernon roared in rage and grabbed
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at Harry again, this time getting a hold of his shirt collar.</em></p>
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<p><em>He dragged Harry from under the bed, tears streaming over the young boy's
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face.</em></p>
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<p>And then the memory was banished. Harry blinked a couple of times as he took in
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his surroundings. Memories of what he had been doing came crashing back and he
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groaned at his failure.</p>
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<p>But he wasn't in Snape's quarters either. The surrounding area was a blinding
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white and there were no pieces of furniture or really anything materialistic to break
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the awful white that enveloped him.</p>
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<p>"Are you alright?"</p>
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<p>Harry snapped his head back to see Snape standing next to him, a vacant expression
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on his face. Harry frowned, not knowing what to make of this.</p>
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<p>"Severus?" he asked, "What's going on?"</p>
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<p>"You were not occluding," Snape explained, "And I didn't want to see the rest of
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that memory nor did I think you did."</p>
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<p>Harry flushed. At least, he thought he did. He wasn't sure of what was possible in
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his current surroundings.</p>
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<p>"So where are we?" Harry asked, "We're not dead are we?"</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled, which reassured Harry tremendously.</p>
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<p>"Not at all," Snape replied, "Since the potion is still in effect and will be for
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a while, I needed to isolate your consciousness and put it in some sort of
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quarantined area so to speak. I've disconnected you from your emotions and passive
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memories for the time being."</p>
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<p>Harry stared incredulously. "You can do that?"</p>
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<p>"I am an accomplished Legilimens, Harry," Snape said in a way that almost sounded
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as if he were insulted, "The mind holds little to no secrets for me. Doing something
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like this is easy."</p>
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<p>Snape waved a hand and conjured a black chair in which he sat down. "Do you want
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to try again, or do you wish to remain here until the potion wears off?"</p>
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<p>"I want to try again," Harry said honestly, "It's just that –"</p>
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<p>"Yes?" Snape urged.</p>
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<p>"When I'm in a memory, I can't remember what I'm doing. I can't even remember that
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I'm a wizard."</p>
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<p>Harry sighed. "How do I practice Occlumency without even remembering what that
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is?"</p>
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<p>"Eventually, it will become second nature," Snape explained, "You will constantly
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be raising those shields, regardless of whether or not there is a threat. For now,
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you would do well to focus on yourself before you are drawn into another memory."</p>
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<p>"Focus on myself?"</p>
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<p>"Yes," Snape replied, "It would appear that you were surprised by the sudden pull
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of your memory. Perhaps this is why you've lost sight of who you are. Now that you
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know what can happen, I need you to picture yourself sitting here. I want you to
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imagine those shields around your mind and I want you to try and distance yourself
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from the memories that will attack you."</p>
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<p>"But they're so strong," Harry uttered.</p>
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<p>Snape smiled and put a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder. "You are stronger," he
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said easily.</p>
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<p>Harry blinked to keep a few tears at bay. After the vivid memory, he just
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witnessed, remembering just how miserable he had been throughout his young life, the
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impact of a parent that believed in you wholeheartedly was enormous.</p>
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<p>"Let's try again," Harry said confidently.</p>
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<p>Snape nodded. "Remember to try and retain yourself," Snape warned, "I will release
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your mind in three, two, one…"</p>
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<p><em>Harry was eight. He was standing at the edge of a great river while the
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Dursleys were trying to fix their flat tire. Why uncle Vernon had thought this
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shortcut was a good idea was beyond anyone but Harry knew better than to say
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anything.</em></p>
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<p>Harry focused on himself. He knew this was a memory. He knew this wasn't real. He
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was aware of his own breathing and could vaguely make out the reassuring presence of
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Snape sitting across from him.</p>
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<p>"<em>Wanna play a game, Harry?" Dudley asked innocently. By now Harry knew better.
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Dudley never had good intentions with Harry.</em></p>
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<p>"<em>Not really," Harry had replied cautiously. "There's nothing to do here
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anyway."</em></p>
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<p>"<em>We could go for a swim," Dudley countered.</em></p>
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<p><em>Harry looked at the river that was running rather fast behind him. He frowned
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and looked at Dudley.</em></p>
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<p>"<em>I think that's a bit dangerous," he said, "The current is strong and I don't
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really –"</em></p>
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<p>"<em>What?" Dudley asked, smirking all the while, "Don't you know how to
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swim?"</em></p>
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<p>The presence of Snape in Harry's mind was quite reassuring but at the same time,
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he realized that the goal of this exercise was to expel Snape completely. But with
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Snape gone, so would be his anchor. Harry tried his best to shove this memory aside
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but it was firmly in place. Much more so than during normal Occlumency lessons.</p>
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<p>Was it because of the potion or was it because he was much more emotional now?
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Harry was kind of upset with Snape viewing even more memories of his past. He hadn't
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even seen half of his horrible past.</p>
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<p>"<em>You know I don't," Younger Harry growled at Dudley.</em></p>
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<p>"<em>Well, I do," Dudley said proudly.</em></p>
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<p><em>Harry huffed indignantly. "Well, we can't all be bloated enough to be our own
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life raft."</em></p>
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<p><em>Dudley's demeanour switched from reasonably calm to enraged in a matter of
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seconds.</em></p>
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<p>"Focus," Snape's voice resounded through Harry's mind. "Recognise your emotions
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for what they are. They are a part of you but they need not hinder you. Allow them to
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wash over you and detach yourself from them."</p>
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<p>Harry took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, ignoring the feelings of fear
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and anger that lingered near the surface.</p>
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<p><em>Dudley rushed forward and slammed his shoulder into Harry's chest. Harry was
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knocked backwards and tried to keep his footing when the ground disappeared from
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beneath him and his body made contact with cold water.</em></p>
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<p>'I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions,' Harry thought.<br/>
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"Then don't be," Snape replied calmly, "Dominate them."</p>
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<p>Harry felt a sense of cool wash over him as he stepped back and looked at the
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scene rationally. Fear had been a very logical emotion for a child that fell into a
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river. Especially one that didn't know how to swim. But Harry wasn't that child
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anymore and needn't be afraid.</p>
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<p>He was angry at Dudley for putting him in that position, and rightly so. But
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Dudley was still as much of a child as Harry was. It was only right to forgive him
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for such actions if only to heal himself.</p>
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<p>The memory ended and Harry was aware that Snape's presence was gone. He felt a
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sense of loneliness but also one of accomplishment. He felt someone touch his knee
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and opened his eyes, very much aware of the pain in his stomach.</p>
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<p>"Well done," Snape praised him, "Now keep that focus. The potion won't wear off
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for another ten minutes or so. Use that time to practice."</p>
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<p>Harry focused on his breathing. He even found that focusing on the pain in his
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stomach helped. He allowed his emotions to run their course but did not fight them.
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At least, he tried to.</p>
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<p>Every now and then, he felt Snape probing his mind with Legilimency but he did not
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break Harry's walls. It was obvious that Snape was being much too gentle though. If
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he applied any pressure, Harry knew that his walls would break apart.</p>
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<p>"I think it was that muggle 'Nietzsche' that said, 'One ought to hold on to one's
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heart. For if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too'," Snape
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suddenly said.</p>
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<p>Tired emerald eyes met obsidian and stared at Snape incredulously. "What?"</p>
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<p>"I thought it rather fitting." Snape explained, "Makes me wonder if he was perhaps
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a squib to have such a keen grasp on a very important Occlumency lesson."</p>
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<p>"You're distracting me," Harry breathed.</p>
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<p>"Am I?" Snape countered, raising a sardonic eyebrow.</p>
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<p>"Fine," Harry said, "I understand. It's all a part of it. I'm doing my best
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here!"</p>
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<p>"Care to tell me what you thought of when you pushed me out?" Snape asked, "I'm
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curious to know what your approach was."</p>
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<p>"I thought about my feelings," Harry said through gritted teeth, feeling somewhat
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stupid. He was vaguely aware of the beads of sweat forming on his forehead. "And I
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thought of why I had them and tried putting them into context."</p>
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<p>"A very clever way of approaching yourself," Snape commended, "In order to move
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on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel
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it."</p>
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<p>Harry groaned as he put a hand on his aching stomach. "Sure," he panted, "Whatever
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you say."</p>
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<p>"Harry, you've made a breakthrough today," Snape said suddenly.</p>
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<p>"You're going easy on me," Harry accused.</p>
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<p>Snape snorted. "Going easy on you? You are still aware of the potion I fed you,
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are you not? I might not be trying to invade your mind to the best of my abilities at
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the moment, but the fact that you are speaking coherently while under the potion's
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influence is worthy of praise by itself."</p>
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<p>"It's diluted," Harry gasped.</p>
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<p>"Yes," Snape nodded gravely, "And eventually we can test your skill using the
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undiluted version –" Snape shuddered at the thought. "- But for now, this is
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impressive enough."</p>
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<p>Snape eyed Harry curiously as the boy was leaning back, panting heavily as he
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attempted to power through the pain.</p>
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<p>"We would never have been able to elevate you to this level of Occlumency at the
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beginning of our collaboration," Snape said kindly.</p>
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<p>"Yes well," Harry said, "I trust you a lot more not to rummage through my mind and
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sell my memories to the highest bidder."</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled. "Witty to the end, aren't you? Just relax and let the potion run
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its course. It will only be a few minutes more. Afterwards, you can meet up with that
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redheaded girlfriend of yours."</p>
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<p>"How do you know about that?" Harry groaned.</p>
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<p>Snape frowned at his charge. "What do you think?"</p>
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<p>Harry just groaned. This time more out of embarrassment than out of pain.
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Sometimes it sucked to have a father that could read minds.</p>
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<p>"Actually, could I just stay here tonight?" Harry asked, "I really don't feel that
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well and I'm not sure I can even make it back to Gryffindor tower on my own."</p>
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<p>Snape regarded him carefully. "Hm, I suppose it would be prudent for me to make
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sure there are no lasting side effects. Very well. You may stay here for the night.
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Your room is ready for the night."</p>
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<p>Harry sighed in relief as he tried to stand on unsteady legs.</p>
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<p>"Thanks, Severus."</p>
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<p>"Anytime," Snape said easily.</p>
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<hr size="1" noshade="noshade"/>
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<p><em>Did you all like Harry's Occlumency lesson? Do let me know what you think. I
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anxiously await your reactions.</em></p>
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