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<div class="chap-title">
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20. Chapter 20
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<div class="chap-text">
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<p class='c1'><strong>Chapter 20</strong></p>
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<p>Since Harry was basically told that he would be able to get started on his potion
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soon, he became increasingly anxious to go to his next Occlumency lesson. He was
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nearly there and he honestly couldn't wait.</p>
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<p>And yet, it wasn't until the next weekend that Harry received a note from Snape.
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He was brewing some blood replenishing potion for the infirmary while Hedwig snoozed
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on his shoulder when the glow of Harry's cuff startled him somewhat. He finished his
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stirring pattern and looked at the message.</p>
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<p>"<em>Come to my quarters."</em></p>
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<p>Harry frowned. It was very short and to the point, even for Snape. He looked at
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his potion and sighed. It was probably for the best that he didn't keep the man
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waiting. He put a stasis spell on the cauldron and brought Hedwig back over to her
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perch.</p>
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<p>"Will you keep an eye out for me, girl?" he said, "No one is to touch the potion,
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alright?"</p>
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<p>Hedwig hooted softly in response and Harry stroked her feathers a couple of times
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before leaving. If he was lucky, this would be about Occlumency. It was a good thing
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that he was already in the dungeons. He took a couple of right turns and one left
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before finding himself in front of that familiar door again. He opened it and walked
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inside, finding Snape sitting in the middle of the room. The furniture was swept to
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the sides again which gave Harry pause. Why would Snape think that necessary
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again?</p>
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<p>"Severus?" Harry said, disturbing the man's train of thought. He looked up and
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fixed Harry with a rather grim stare. Harry frowned but automatically stepped forward
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to sit in front of the man.</p>
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<p>"What's going on?" he asked.</p>
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<p>Snape regarded him for a short while before replying. "You are very close to
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mastering Occlumency," Snape said evenly. His voice was devoid of all emotion and
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gave Harry the shudders. When was the last time he had talked to Harry that way?
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"I've been thinking about what I would need to do to get you to cross that line. To
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give you that final nudge."</p>
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<p>Harry swallowed nervously but nodded.</p>
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<p>"As I've explained before, using the 'Drink of Despair' is out of the question and
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will be for a very long time," Snape continued stoically, "Which doesn't leave me
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with a whole lot of options."</p>
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<p>Harry wanted to reply with a joke or a sardonic comment to lighten the mood but he
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didn't dare to. He knew that right now, Snape would not appreciate those kinds of
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efforts. So once more, he simply nodded.</p>
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<p>"In fact, I only have one option left," Snape said, a sense of finality in his
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voice, "I need to attack your mind."</p>
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<p>Harry blinked. "As in, really attack me?" Harry asked, "With the intention to do
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damage?"</p>
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<p>"Exactly so," Snape replied. "You are a student that learns exceptionally well
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when under stress. Your abilities develop as you need them. Not only that, but we've
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reached a stage in your training that cannot be overcome without experience."</p>
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<p>"But why you?" Harry asked, not looking forward to being attacked by his father.
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"Why can't Dumbledore do it?"</p>
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<p>"Professor Dumbledore – while a powerful and accomplished Occlumens – has not ever
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used his skills of the mind to attack someone," Snape explained, "He is fully capable
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of sneaking into someone's mind to look for thoughts and memories without the victim
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ever realizing he was there. But he could never be as forceful as you would need him
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to be."</p>
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<p>Harry frowned as he averted his gaze to look at his hands. There were potion
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stains on them.</p>
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<p>"Harry," Snape said, his voice somewhat softer. "I will remind you one last time
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that you don't need to do this. You can always decide to change your research though
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I must admit that it would be very useful for you to master Occlumency."</p>
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<p>Harry shivered in the cold dungeon air. He noticed that there was no fire burning
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in the hearth.</p>
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<p>"What are you going to do exactly?" Harry asked quietly.</p>
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<p>"I will assault your mind," Snape explained. "I will attempt to bring forth the
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most terrible of memories and thoughts as well as fabricate my own. You are supposed
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to fight me. Keep me out. Unravel my fabrications and tethers before they draw you
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in."</p>
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<p>Harry's chest grew tighter as he considered Snape's words. He really didn't want
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to do this but on the other hand, he simply <em>had</em> to master Occlumency.</p>
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<p>"Do you need time to consider?" Snape asked.</p>
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<p>Harry shook his head. If he took the time to think about this, he would probably
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only grow more and more hesitant to go through with it. He could already hear
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Hermine's voice, telling him that it was a bad idea and that there just had to be
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another way.</p>
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<p>"I'll do it," Harry said. His voice was trembling and his palms were sweaty. If
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this would have been an actual duel, Harry wouldn't even mind if Snape attacked to
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injure. Because he was confident in his own abilities. But <em>this</em> truly scared
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him.</p>
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<p>"Very well," Snape said, getting up from the floor and taking out his wand.
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"Rise," he said, "This is a duel, not a tea party."</p>
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<p>Begrudgingly, Harry got up from the floor and faced Snape. The man's eyes were
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cold and dark, not a speck of emotion betraying his thoughts. Harry did his best to
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do the same and cleared his mind.</p>
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<p>"Legilimens!"</p>
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<p>It was almost as if Snape physically punched him, that time. Harry stumbled a few
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steps back but did his best to stand his ground. His shields were still holding
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strong. He fixed Snape with a defiant glare, spreading his legs somewhat so his
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stance felt more solid.</p>
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<p>Snape flicked his wand and Harry felt that same blow again. Reflexively, he raised
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his arm but this time, that would not help him. His shields didn't falter, though and
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Harry wondered when Snape would become serious.</p>
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<p>Another wand flick and another blow. Harry knew what was coming and endured the
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hit unflinchingly this time. He checked his shields and knew that Snape hadn't even
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scratched them. He couldn't stop himself from smirking.</p>
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<p>"I think it's time you become serious," he taunted, "Because you're not getting
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through."</p>
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<p>Snape's expression remained unchanged. His emotions were clearly walled off and
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the man exuded nothing but his well-known persona. One of cool collectedness. Harry's
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smile faltered somewhat but he remained focused, awaiting the next blow.</p>
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<p>Just when he thought that this was going to be nothing more than a test of his own
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endurance, he became aware of a sharp pain near his temple. He frowned and touched
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the spot with his hand, only to encounter unblemished skin.</p>
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<p>"Damn," he murmured when he realized Snape was trying to get in. He focused his
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attention on strengthening the wall again when he was hit with another blow. Harry
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stumbled somewhat closer to the stone dungeon wall and before he could regain his
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balance, another blow connected, followed by another. And another.</p>
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<p>Soon, Harry was backed up against the wall, holding himself up with one hand.</p>
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<p>"Just a moment," he breathed but Snape didn't relent. He took a few menacing steps
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towards Harry, swishing his wand at his target. Harry braced himself but couldn't
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keep part of his shields from shattering. He was surprised at how much it hurt and
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gasped when he became aware of the pain.</p>
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<p>Snape had gotten in. His presence was familiar yet much darker than it had ever
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been. He was no longer a subtle hitchhiker in Harry's mind but rather a powerful
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intruder that relished in kicking in doors and smashing windows as he blazed
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through.</p>
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<p>Harry tried throwing him out. He tried catching him but Snape was faster.</p>
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<p>Suddenly, he was thrown in a memory of his childhood, practically falling as he
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landed hard in his own mind.</p>
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<p>"You're a worthless freak!" Vernon yelled as he lifted Harry's head by his hair.
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He couldn't have been more than five. "You're as useless as your parents were. Why
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don't you just crawl into a ditch and die?"</p>
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<p>"Please Uncle," Harry heard himself plead, "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."</p>
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<p>When Vernon's fist connected with his jaw, he could feel the splitting pain that
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accompanied the breaking of bone. He cried.</p>
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<p>"You dare cry," Vernon snarled and he threw Harry into the cupboard. "Stay in
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there until you're done snivelling, freak. Or I'll <em>really</em> give you something
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to whine about."</p>
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<p>And then he was engulfed by the darkness of his cupboard.</p>
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<p>The scene swirled and Harry was thrown into the graveyard, the dead body of Cedric
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lying beside him. His wand was in his hand and Voldemort was in front of him,
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brandishing his own.</p>
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<p>"<em>Stop it,"</em> Harry thought, "<em>This isn't real</em>."</p>
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<p>If he had expected Snape to respond, he was sorely disappointed. It was very clear
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that Snape was not his friend right now. And Harry could not consider him as
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such.</p>
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<p>"Avada Kedavra!"</p>
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<p>Harry dodged the curse and hid behind a gravestone. Desperately, he calmed
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himself, searching for the mist that hung around the memory. He ignored the laughter
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of the death eaters around him and tried to focus when Voldemort suddenly stood
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before him.</p>
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<p>"Crucio," he hissed.</p>
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<p>That all too familiar blinding pain coursed through Harry's body. He tried to
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remember that none of it was real but his body seemed very convinced that it was.
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Eventually, he couldn't help himself. He screamed. It was then that Voldemort lifted
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the curse and sneered down at him.</p>
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<p>Harry breathed in deeply and closed his eyes, trying to forget his
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surroundings.</p>
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<p>"<em>Stop</em>," he thought, willing the memory to stop playing. Soon, the sounds
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around him stilled and he opened his eyes to find himself surrounded by the mists of
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his mind. Gratefully, he used them as he had learned and shaped the way out of the
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memory. It faded and Harry found himself in darkness.</p>
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<p>For a moment, he wondered if he was back in the cupboard but then he realized that
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he wasn't in a memory. Another blow hit him and Harry was aware of his body stumbling
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and his elbow knocking into something hard. Possibly the wall. He dared not divert
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his attention though.</p>
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<p>It was time to find the intruder and kick him out.</p>
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<p>Another sharp pain near the back of his head notified Harry of where Snape was. He
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was vaguely aware of the man ripping through his memories in what appeared to be a
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blind fury. He tore viciously at the ones that were buried away. It almost felt as if
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the man were tearing Harry's skin if such a thing was possible.</p>
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<p>Harry quickly focused on the area that was under attack and resurfaced there. The
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unwelcome presence didn't halt his actions and kept cutting through everything that
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made up Harry.</p>
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<p>Harry focused all of his attention on Snape's consciousness and willed it
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backwards. As soon as he did, the dark presence was flung into the near distance and
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the sharp pain subsided. Harry regarded his adversary carefully, wondering what he
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was supposed to do next.</p>
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<p>Another blow from the physical realm rattled him and he lost focus for just a
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split second. It had been enough, though.</p>
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<p>Harry found himself expelled from the battle in his mind and fell roughly to the
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floor. Before he realized what happened, he expelled the contents of his stomach all
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over the floor. He felt shaky and drained, trying to right himself on wobbly arms. He
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wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked up at Snape.</p>
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<p>"Please stop," he urged but he found no mercy in Snape's eyes. The man flicked his
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wand and Harry flinched away but to no avail. He was lurched back into the depths of
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his own mind and gasped sharply when more pain hammered his brain.</p>
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<p>Suddenly, Harry found himself engulfed in a dark blue that was almost black. The
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air around him trembled and moved in the pattern of waves if more slowly. The ground
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was not solid enough to support Harry's weight and soon his feet were swallowed by it
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as if he stood in quicksand. He couldn't break free.</p>
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<p>Dark mists swirled all around him, teasing him. Stroking him, gently. Where it
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touched him, it burned him. Feelings of hopeless overcame him. He was reminded of how
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unloved he truly was. No one wanted him. It had gone so far that the Professor that
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hated him the most of all ended up adopting him. He was a freak. A tragedy. He was
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the reason his parents died. The reason Cedric died. Sirius. Grief weighed on him
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heavily, pulling him down.</p>
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<p>Harry fell to his hands and knees and was only vaguely aware of the darkness
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swallowing them up.</p>
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<p>'Nobody wants you, boy,' echoed the voice of his uncle.</p>
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<p>'You bring death wherever you go,' Petunia shrieked in horror.</p>
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<p>'I wish you were more like your father,' Sirius said woefully.</p>
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<p>'You are an arrogant and spoiled little brat,' Snape sneered.</p>
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<p>'Just die.'</p>
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<p>'Die.'</p>
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<p>'Why can't you die already?'</p>
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<p>'People would be better off with you gone.'</p>
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<p>'Die.'</p>
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<p>'Go die in a ditch, why don't you?'</p>
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<p>"<em>I want to die</em>."</p>
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<p>"…"</p>
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<p>"…"</p>
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<p>"…"</p>
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<p>'I really admire you, do you know that?'</p>
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<p>'Thank you, Harry."</p>
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<p>'I am proud of you.'</p>
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<p>'We're with you, Harry. No matter what happens.'</p>
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<p>'The ones that love us never really leave us.'</p>
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<p>'I love you, son.'</p>
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<p>Determination flooded Harry's mind and the darkness that had surrounded him only
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moments before, now quickly turned light as a shockwave seemed to emanate from
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Harry's being. His limbs were no longer being sucked up by the ground and he rose
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again, empowered by the memories of his loved ones.</p>
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<p>He felt another blast connect with his physical form and thought he tasted
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blood.</p>
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<p>"<em>Get out,"</em> Harry growled. He felt his mind connect roughly with the
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invading presence. He struggled with Snape's powerful existence as it pushed back
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against him.</p>
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<p>BANG</p>
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<p>Harry wasn't sure where the sound had come from but didn't think it came from
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within. He was vaguely aware of a sharp pain in his head that wasn't there
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before.</p>
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<p>"<em>I said get out</em>!" Harry snarled again, not sure if he said the words
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aloud. He put all the strength he could muster into one final push and was thrown
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back into reality as was Snape. And yet, he wasn't entirely gone. Harry could still
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feel a part of Snape hiding in the back of his mind. A tether if you will. Harry
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narrowed his eyes as he stared Snape down. The infuriating man still didn't show a
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shred of emotion.</p>
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<p>"I know you're still in here," Harry said icily, "Are you going to withdraw or do
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I need to drag you out?"</p>
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<p>A flick of Snape's wand was his answer and Harry felt another blow. This time it
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seemed to come from within his head and he grabbed at it as if to stop it from
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splitting open. It hurt so much. The pain was practically on par with the Cruciatus
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curse.</p>
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<p>"AAAAAH, you BASTARD," Harry screamed. But Snape didn't relent. Soon, Harry found
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himself kneeling on the ground, still grabbing his head as he folded into himself.
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Whatever had remained in his stomach, found its way to the floor then.</p>
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<p>Harry crashed to the ground, black dots marring his vision as he tried desperately
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to ignore the pain, to ignore his own screams. He didn't think he would last much
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longer before he would literally go insane.</p>
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<p>It took every bit of willpower he still had but he occluded inside himself and
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re-joined Snape on the battlefield that was his own mind. This time, he would get rid
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of him. This time, he would prevail. He had to.</p>
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<p>He ignored Snape, for now, biting through the pain. He knew his physical form was
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writhing on the floor in agony but he calmed his mind. He sought sanctuary.</p>
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<p>He found himself back in that white room, the crimson couch still waiting for him.
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The pain was gone and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. He had created a tether in the
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form of an old fashioned television set and sat down stoically to have a direct view
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of the havoc that was being wreaked upon his mind.</p>
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<p>Emotionless, he watched as Snape tore through another memory, attempting to
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implement it. To alter it. With a nod of his head, Harry made the memory disappear
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and watched as Snape stood there in apparent confusion. But not for long. He moved
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forward, attempting to cause more damage but Harry made a gesture as if he were
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roughly opening a curtain. The form of Snape was propelled backwards and was flung
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into an imaginary wall.</p>
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<p>He wrenched himself free and stood there for a second as if he was trying to
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concentrate. He was most likely looking for Harry. When he looked up to meet Harry's
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gaze, the boy knew he had been found. And yet, he didn't fear the dark man. Not in
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here.</p>
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<p>Without faltering, he started to form a ball with his hands, his eyes never
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leaving Snape as the man seemed to be focusing. Staring.</p>
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<p>Slowly, he brought his cupped hands closer together until he noticed the form of
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Snape crouch down, lifting an arm above his head as if to shield himself. Harry did
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not relent for Snape had not done so either. His hands came even closer together and
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the form of Snape became smaller and smaller as it curled into itself. Harry didn't
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want to go too far. He simply wanted to push Snape to his limits.</p>
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<p>And then, suddenly, Snape's presence disappeared and he was gone. Harry
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strengthened his shields and double-checked that there was no more trace of the
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Potions Master to be found. Soon, he was satisfied that there wasn't.</p>
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<p>He thought it was all over when he felt the walls of his minds quake and shudder
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under the heavy assault that was brought forth by Snape. But Harry knew, he would not
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be breached. No more.</p>
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<p>Calmly, he turned off the old television that was his tether and exited the room
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that had saved him once more. When the assault still posed no problems - despite
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Snape's furious attempts - Harry thought it safe enough to leave his own mind and
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face the master Legilimens once more.</p>
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|
<p>When Harry became aware of his surroundings, he found himself to still be lying on
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the floor. His body ached all over and he felt sick to his stomach. Yet he could not
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deny the sense of calm that had come over him and was still there.</p>
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<p>He forced himself to stand up, ignoring his wobbly knees and faced Snape. The man
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was staring him down expressionlessly and Harry returned his gaze as stoically as he
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could. Snape flicked his wand again and again and while Harry could feel the force of
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those blows hit his walls mercilessly, he knew they would not collapse. He simply
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stood his ground and showed no more reaction.</p>
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<p>After a few more very tense minutes, Snape finally lowered his wand, sighing
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deeply as he rubbed his forehead.</p>
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<p>"Are you okay?" Harry stammered, trying his best not to collapse onto himself.</p>
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<p>Snape shot him a disbelieving look and summoned a chair to stand behind his
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son.</p>
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<p>"Sit down," he ordered. Harry didn't need to be told twice and basically crashed
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into the chair, happy to be somewhat comfortable again. Snape vanished the vomit that
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stained his floor and summoned his own chair, sitting down opposite of Harry.</p>
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<p>And so they sat in an uncomfortable silence until Snape spoke again.</p>
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<p>"I'm so sorry," he said quietly. "That was… harder than I imagined it would
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be."</p>
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<p>Harry snorted. "I'll say," he said, "I'll take being tortured by Voldemort any day
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over this." He touched the back of his head that still felt somewhat sore and winced
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when it stung. Confused, he drew back his hand to find it stained with blood.</p>
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<p>"You hit your head against the wall," Snape explained. Non-verbally, he summoned a
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couple of potions from his storage room. "I'll clean it up. Just turn your chair
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somewhat so I might reach the wound."</p>
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<p>Harry obeyed and sat there as Snape started cleaning the wound. "It doesn't look
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that bad," Snape murmured, "You'll be fine by tomorrow."</p>
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<p>"I never realized just how much you were holding back before," Harry suddenly
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said, "In our previous Occlumency lessons, I mean."</p>
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<p>"I doubt you would have learned much if I had attacked you like this since the
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beginning," Snape said evenly.</p>
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<p>"I'd probably be dead," Harry said truthfully. Snape halted his movement for a
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second but continued soon after.</p>
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<p>"I would never kill you, Harry," Snape said softly.</p>
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<p>"Perhaps not," Harry replied, happy that he wasn't looking into Snape's eyes at
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that moment. "But for a moment, I wanted to do it myself."</p>
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<p>"I know," Snape whispered, "I'm sorry."</p>
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<p>"Were you the one who… you, know."</p>
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<p>"Brought forth the more pleasant memories?" Snape finished Harry's question. "No,
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I did not. I was playing my role as the villain in this particular battle. Aiding you
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in that manner would have been detrimental to your progress."</p>
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<p>"Oh," Harry replied, "Then what happened?"</p>
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<p>"Your mind defended itself," Snape explained, "It sprung into action when you felt
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at your absolute lowest. You know yourself best of all, even when you're unaware of
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it. Your mind knew how to bring you back from the brink of despair and thankfully did
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so."</p>
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<p>"Why has it never done that before?" Harry murmured bitterly.</p>
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<p>"This is not a normal response, Harry," Snape said, putting a hand on his son's
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shoulder, "This is the response of an Occlumens. Of one who has been in contact with
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his mind and is aware of its inner workings. And it only worked out that way because
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these feelings were no longer what you normally felt. Had you still been as
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depressed, your mind would not have picked up the anomaly. But now, it protected
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you."</p>
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<p>Harry drew a shuddering breath as he stared at his quivering hands. Some of his
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nails were bloody and chipped as if he had been clawing at a hard surface. The floor
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perhaps? He had been in so much pain.</p>
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<p>"You're scary powerful," Harry suddenly blurted out, "Why don't you just use
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Legilimency to do in with your enemies? They wouldn't stand a chance."</p>
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<p>Snape chuckled wryly. "While powerful, it is not something I like to do at all.
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Not only is it very straining, but it is also an incredibly emotional ordeal.
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Especially when dealing with someone who has been through as much as you have."</p>
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<p>"I'm sorry," Harry said automatically.</p>
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<p>Snape moved his chair to sit in front of Harry again and looked him in the eye.
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"Don't say that, silly child," he said, "You've done nothing wrong. In fact, you've
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done splendidly."</p>
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<p>Even when still suffering from the side effects of the vicious attack, Harry's
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face lit up. "Do you mean to say –"</p>
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<p>"Yes," Snape said, "You've passed this test rather admirably. I hereby grant you
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permission to start brewing that potion. There are however a few conditions."</p>
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<p>Harry frowned slightly. "Okay," he said carefully, "And what are those?"</p>
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<p>"First of all, I will be testing your shields regularly. Occlumency is a skill you
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need to maintain and if I find them lacking, I will halt your progress on the potion
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until I deem it safe again."</p>
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<p>"Sounds reasonable," Harry said, "When will you be testing me?"</p>
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<p>"I will be testing you randomly to ensure that your grasp is still firm," Snape
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explained, "I will also speak with Dumbledore and ask him to do the same."</p>
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<p>"It will be nothing like today though, right?" Harry asked, shuddering at the
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thought.</p>
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<p>"No," Snape sighed, "Nothing like today. Not ever again."</p>
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<p>"Good," Harry said in relief, "So, what else?"</p>
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<p>"Whenever you test the potion, I need to be present," Snape said, "I will not have
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you drinking it with no one to help you should something go wrong."</p>
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<p>"That's fair," Harry said.</p>
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<p>"Those are my two conditions," Snape said, "I'm sure even you will be able to
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follow those rules."</p>
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<p>"Thanks," Harry said, flashing Snape a smile that he did not expect to receive
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after the trying ordeal they had both endured that day. It only proved just how much
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Harry trusted Snape. If he was entirely honest with himself, he knew he had nearly
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been on the breaking point himself. It was only lucky that Harry had managed to save
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himself when he did or Snape would have stopped the test altogether. Perhaps, he
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should learn to trust Harry a bit more as well. After all, the boy kept surprising
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him and would probably continue to do so.</p>
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<hr size="1" noshade="noshade"/>
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<p><em>I know, I know. I can be somewhat cruel at times.</em><br/>
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<em>Please please, please leave me a review if you would? It's my only form of
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payment. Any kind if appreciated. Even if it's just one or two words!</em></p>
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<p><em>Since trafic in the weekends is slow, I won't be updating until Monday at the
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earliest. But that's not that far away, now is it?</em></p>
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<p><em>Oh, and to all those who celebrate it, I wish you a happy
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thanksgiving.</em></p>
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